Gayle Ruzicka apologizes for racy photo spread in Vanity Fair

Her fans are demanding she resign. Even her followers insist she be arrested. Either way, nearly all agree that Gayle Ruzicka, president of the Utah Eagle Forum, should fly the coop.

Known throughout Utah for her organized attacks against anti-family causes, Ruzicka had built up a reputation over the past decade as a defender of the moral majority in Utah. As president of the conservative interest group Utah Eagle Forum, Ruzicka had led the charge against a wide host of liberal issues and causes, including the homosexual agenda in particular. Her long and storied career however is quickly unraveling as Ruzicka comes under fire herself – due to her recent pictures in Vanity Fair.

A recent spread in Vanity Fair shows Ruzicka posing topless, with her bare back exposed but her front covered with a bedsheet. The photo shoot, which appeared in the April 28th issues of Vanity Fair, was taken by well-known celebrity photographer Annie Leibovitz. While the pictures were originally meant to portray a more artistic and playful side of Ruzicka, the pictures have caused widespread controversy and a firestorm of a backlash from her fan.

“It’s outrageous!” yelled homemaker Sharlene Johnson. “Stay-at-home moms and homemakers across Utah look to Gayle as a role model! And how does she thank us for supporting her conservative ideals … by taking these [edited] filthy pictures? It’s a disgrace. She certainly didn’t think about the children.”

Karolyn Hansen, owner of a Provo-based scrapbooking supply store, echoed similar sentiments. “I used to rely on Gayle to be my moral compass. She said ‘we need to stick it to the gays,’ and I listened. I didn’t even judge her when her son died of a drug overdose and she tried to cover it up in the media. But posing naked in Vanity Fair? That just crosses the line.”

In response to the backlash against the tasteless pictures, Ruzicka made the following statement: “I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed. I never intended for any of this to happen and I apologize to my fans who I care so deeply about. Oh, and I hate gay people.”

It was unclear as of press time whether Ruzicka would be stepping down as president.

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Upcoming Stories in The Regal Seagull

• Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses: Who would win in a fight?
• Jordan Beetdiggers beat out Murray Trojans yet again for worst mascot
• UTA announces “Homeless Thursday,” vagrants and transients to ride free
• Michael Moore buys vacation home in Orem
• SUPERDELL declines early entry to heaven, tells God “I still have a lot to do down here”
• New DNA tests reveal Jesus is not son of God, but nephew
• Jordan Commons in final running to host 2016 Summer Olympics
• Woman in Heber wears too much makeup to church, looks like a whore
• Salt Lake City vegan gets lost on safari in Africa, is eaten by cannibals
• Oh God, not again: High School Musical 3

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Horoscopes, with The Regal Seagull

by The Cosmic Yenta

Taurus, April 20th - May 20th
In Spain, bullfighting is a sacred sport, not unlike spelunking in those white countries. Stop being led around by the ring in your nose and start being led around by the one in your @#^%. This could mean a new beginning for you, or end.

Gemini, May 21st - June 21st
Walking around like a zombie all week will be tempting. Avoid that weird couple next door who claim to be from Haiti. Go to the nicest Tongan bar in Kearns and drink a zombie instead. It will give you the nerve to fight off those attractive yet scary neighbors. I order you.

Cancer, June 22nd - July 22nd
Do not go home. Stay at a dear friend’s house or apartment or Hogan or lean-to or cardboard box or van or RV. Trust me on this one. It’s just a hunch but now that I’m following my inner self, I’m usually sometimes always right.

Leo, July 23rd - August 22nd
In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the Lion sleeps tonight. No sleep for the wicked this week. Hunt….. hunt like you’ve never hunted before. Piper Down is great after midnight, like, shooting fish in a barrel. You will find the drunkest girls and boys of every persuasion in town. You can’t lose. I never do.

Virgo, August 23rd - September 22nd
Pack up everything you own and move to Florida. An old flame awaits your arrival with open arms, a double wide, and a case of Puerto Rican Rum. Resistance is futile. If I’m wrong, well, no, you can’t move back in with me.

Libra, September 23rd - October 22nd
Your weight has been a problem for you lately huh? You’ve been obsessing and the scale is winning. Shut that goddamn pie hole stupid. You maggot, you worm. Sew it shut if you must. I may sound harsh but I’ll get the whip out later. What time?

Scorpio, October 23rd - November 21st
Surfing the internet for your true love will not serve you well this week. Remember that 700 pound psycho shut-in who tried to trap and eat you? Try hooking up with friends of friends. That always works out. If not you can always call me. Seriously, call me.

Sagittarius, November 22nd - December 21st
Listen only to Hip-Hop. There are subliminal messages you need this week. Maybe, a drive-by will be the answer to the dilemma you are facing. If not, then bitches and ho’s son. Bitches and ho’s.

Capricorn, December 22nd - January 19th
If there ain’t no mountain high enough and there ain’t no valley low enough then where the hell are you going?

Aquarius, January 20th - February 19th
The roller coaster ride that will be this week will not end until you jump off, break both legs and a collar bone, and smash that crazy scull of yours on the pavement. Oh, yeah, that’s what it takes. Luckily there will be morphine. Plenty of morphine.

Pisces, February 20th - March 20th
No, it’s not ok to put a rotten fish in the walls of your enemies.

Aries, March 21st - April 19th
Slamming your head against the wall will only give you a head injury. Try putting a pillow or a sofa cushion between you and the object of your disapproval. Have you gone to that counselor I demanded that you see? I told you he was really hot and you might get lucky. What are you waiting for? Gas prices to go down?

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Traffic, with The Regal Seagull

Monday:
No traffic between hours of 6:00 and 8:00 pm, due to Family Home Evening

Tuesday:
Tractor-trailer will pull over to stop and smell the roses, causing a 17-car pile up

Wednesday:
Sean Hannity says something liberal, 79% of cars on I-15 will swerve off the road

Thursday:
Heavy construction along I-15 near downtown Salt Lake, will not annoy anyone in the slightest

Friday:
I-15 will be backed up from Sandy to David Archuleta-ville

Saturday:
Geo metro will think outside the box, go against the grain, drive into oncoming traffic

Sunday:
A Chinese-American woman will die in a head-on collision in the afternoon, although her poor driving skills have absolutely nothing at all to do with her race or gender whatsoever.

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Weather, with The Regal Seagull

Monday:
Very Sunny
High: 89, Low: 63

Tuesday:
Very Snowy
High: 26, Low: 4

Wednesday:
Very Sunny
High: 92, Low: 69

Thursday:
Very Snowy
High: 22, Low: -3

Friday:
Very Sunny
High: 88, Low: 60

Saturday:
Very Snowy
High: 29, Low: 18

Sunday:
Very Sunny
High: 96, Low: 71

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Ask Sensitive Ned: The cursed non-Greeks

Sensitive Ned,

My mother-in-law put a curse on my husband and me -- I believe she couldn't get through to me and so she attacked him. She cursed that he would never make any money in his life, that he would lose his business, lose his wife (me) and the kids and be completely destroyed. And to seal the curse, she spat in his face twice.

I'm a very superstitious person and I truly believe that she sealed this curse on him. The reason is that they are Greek and I am not. They want control over us, and I refuse to have anyone control me anymore. I've been with him for over 12 years, eight of which we've been married; we have three little kids together. I've done everything I could to make them happy and to basically accept me, and no matter what, they just don't. They would be fine in front of me and then talk behind my back to others.

We had a huge blowout last year because I went to do my hair -- and they were like, “Why should you highlight your hair? What, are you trying to be — a model?” Well, it started like that and became really huge, and now this curse.

Any help on how to remove this would be great.

Cursed by Mother-in-Law


Dear Cursed by Mother-in-Law,

I understand that you are concerned, and I know how scary it can be to have a curse spat upon you or a loved one. Let me start by saying, you have come to the right place! In college I did a semester abroad in Louisiana where I studied Voodoo, Black Magic, Hechicerias and Island Mysticism. Though we spent only one chapter of one text book on Mediterranean Magic, and admittedly, I didn’t pay too much attention (I was totally consumed by another class project where we were learning to entrance people into performing our will after they had read anything we had written. If you ever have the desire to e-mail me half nude pictures of Neil Diamond after reading my column, then those classes have definitely paid off), but I do know that Mediterranean Magic shares a lot of basic principles of other magic.

Here’s my advice to you:

1) You need to wash that spell out of your family’s life. There are two effective ways of doing this without having to hire a freelance wizard or full-time gypsy. You can perform the following simple ritual: Completely cover yourself and your husband with a light coating of ground basil. If you need to plug your nose with little wads of toilet paper to keep from sneezing, that’s fine. It won’t affect the decursement. You also don’t need to take your clothes off as in other rituals. Staying clothed is fine. Now, sit back to back with your husband in a dark room. Surround yourselves with four lit candles, one in each cardinal direction. Stick your arms straight out from your sides and extend your fingers so that the backs of your hands are touching the backs of your husband’s hands. Each of you bow your heads and recite the following chant three times without interruption:

Traguna Macoides Tracurum Satis Di

Now, this is the hardest part. Upon completion of the third repetition, each of you fling your head backwards, smacking your skulls together. You need to knock each other unconscious. It’s difficult, because if you don’t hit hard enough, you won’t get knocked out, you’ll just be in a lot of pain. If you hit too hard, you could cause some pretty serious damage to each other, possibly even killing one or both of you. So please take precaution. As you lay unconscious the magic will, well, work its magic. When you come to, the scourge should be fully removed, although I do recommend making a quick trip to the hospital to check for concussions. You may then move on with your lives in a normal non-cursed fashion. From that point on, should any hint of the Greek curse seem to stick its hexed head out of hell’s hole, you and your husband can just give each other a slight smack on the back of the head and that little voodoo doll will go running away with its tail between its legs faster than you can say hocus pocus.

On a side note: like your mother-in-law, I’d also like to ask if you are trying to be a model. If so, do you have any photos? I collect photos of models. It helps me relax. Please feel free to send any body shots to SensitiveNed@regalseagull.com.

Mystically yours,

Sensitive Ned

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Family bonding on a budget

Maybe you thought it was a good idea to have a lot of children. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. There are many good folks here in our mountain-top paradise who have made it a goal to single handedly “multiply and replenish the earth.” The result: Utah families are, well, large. And large families, as you know, take a lot of money.

Sure, it would be lovely to own that giant ski boat with a Ford F650 Superbeast to pull it; and of course nothing brings a family closer than a pair of 1800cc Yamaha Wave Runners skipping on the manifestly destined waters of Lake Powell Reservoir, but if you have a grundle of kids, chances are you do your family bonding on a budget.
Not to worry, you don’t need big gassy toys to bring your family closer. We’ve come up with some great ideas for folks on a Western Family budget. These incredibly inexpensive outing ideas are guaranteed to bring you closer to your many many children.

A great place to start your family budget bonding experience is just a click away at LDS Skinny-Dipper Connection (unless you’re too poor even for internet, in which case you’ll just have to settle for a family picnic in the park). I learned about the LDS Skinny-Dipper Connection by eaves-dropping on KSL’s very own Doug Miller at the last Boat and RV show. According to Doug, “…catching a large-mouthed bass is great, but nothing in the world is as exhilarating as a nudie dip in Strawberry Reservoir with your best buds.” Doug couldn’t be more right.

The LDS Skinny-Dipper Connection is a values-oriented group dedicated to helping your family overcome the guilt that Sunday school teachers have worked so hard to instill about the human body. The web site has a Q and A section that tackles those tough to answer questions like "Can I be a Mormon and a Nudist?," and "How can I make anonymous contact?" If you like what you see on the site (sorry, no nude pictures), then the next step is to submit a survey to see if you’re worthy to fraternize with other unencumbered members. People deemed worthy will be put on the secret contact list and invited to a family night in the buff.

If this is your cup of tea (herbal, of course), then grab your family, some sunscreen and some towels for the hot vinyl seats in the suburban. Skinny-dipping, like a Second South hooker, is cheap, easy and can be done almost anywhere. So get back to the days of those famous nudists, Adam and Eve, and give your kids an experience they’ll never forget.

* * * * *

If you’re a family of gymnophobes, then maybe you’d prefer a more “dressed” activity. My next suggestion is a tour of Utah’s wonders. No, not those dusty old National Parks; I’m talking about the breathtaking sculptures that wacky artists have left all over the state.

The first stop is the Gilgal Sculpture Garden. These madcap creations of Thomas Battersby Child Jr. are sandwiched between the Chuck-a-Rama and the Twinkie factory at 749 East 500 South in Salt Lake City. Although I did no research into Thomas Child’s life, I’m sure—judging by his sculptures—that he was probably considered a visionary in his time; a mad mad visionary that frightened people. You’ll have a great time as your children ask you questions like “Why does that lion have a face like Joseph Smith?” and “Why can’t we go to Lagoon instead?”

Once you’ve seen that weird Gilgal stuff, it’s time to venture out of the valley to see some more weird art. Take a dreary drive into the desert west on I-80 to see the Tree of Utah. Swedish artist Karl Momen finished this big creepy tree in 1986. Since that time, millions of travelers have whizzed by the tree at 65 mph saying to themselves, “What the hell?” Your family will share that same wonderment — then five minutes later, you’ll get back into the car and drive all the way back home.

Among the iconic Utah works of art is Robert Smithson’s Spiral Jetty. Yet another god-awful drive to get to, the spiral jetty is the perfect place to see how oil rigs are set up. That’s right, Pearl Exploration and Production is slated to start tearing up the land all around this big pubic hair-shaped sculpture. But not to worry, you can always stop by the Golden Spike museum on the way home and count the trip as a success.

The last stop on this family art tour is Mystic Hot Springs. Oh, wait, this one contains nudity. Never mind.

* * * * *

Finally, if all else has failed and you're still looking for that perfect bonding experience, why not take your children’s advice and go to Lagoon. Or better yet, leave the kids with Grandma and Grandpa and take the fun bus to Wendover. That’s right. For $18 the fun bus will take you to a magical place where you can enjoy a buffet, catch Kenny Rogers live and sit in a noisy smoke-filled room dropping quarter after quarter into a bright blinking machine for hours on end. And if you find yourself missing your children, there’s also alcohol.

These are just a few examples of great ways to spend time with your family. It’s important to remember: you don't need the speed boat. All that really matters is that you spend time with your family. It's too bad you had so many kids that you have to work all the time to keep them fed and are too tired when you get home to do anything.

Utah crop circles exposed as a hoax

State science and religious leaders were clashing heads last week over the emergence “patterns of significance” found in rural Utah. What seemed spontaneous at first were sightings of strange geometrical depressions within the soil of the area. “Amazing, simply amazing. We are witnessing an extraordinary phenomenon. If you take measurements of the depressions, you will see that they are perfectly symmetrical and evenly spaced. It just does not seem likely that these indentions were made by man or woman. I truly believe we are looking at a legitimate 'crop circle' design.” said Dr. McFeely, a professor of astrophysics at the University of Utah. Dr. McFeely seems to be an authority of such things, having wrote award winning books on extra-terrestrials and their visits to earth titled; “There is a probe in there” (dealing with alien abductions), “Trying to phone home” (forms of alien contact through the ages) and “Does this look infected to you?” (a book studying what Dr. McFeely believes are results close encounters of the personal kind with aliens).
“I can honestly say that this is the communication we have been looking for. This could be a schematic of a cure for cancer, or new efficient fuel or even a way to live longer. All we have to do is mathematically break the code,” Dr. McFeely concluded hopefully.

A pilgrimage ensued to the site location and with that, brought hopes and theories from other sects of thinkers. The religious communities had their representatives on hand to look over the anomaly and give their opinion on its emergence. Both Monsignor Paddy O’Riely of the local Catholic movement and Bishop John Smith of the Mormon sect were on hand and had this to say; “As representatives of our respective religions, both Monsignor O’Riely and myself realize that this has the makings of a joke with a priest, a Mormon and scientist walking into an excavation site, but I assure you one thing. God is not laughing.” Monsignor O’Riely added, “Despite our different dogmas, we can agree that both of us feel strongly that this is a sign from above.” When asked why the Scientologist representative was denied access to the site, Bishop Smith abruptly interrupted with the answer, “Well anyone who follows a religion that bases their beliefs solely off of the ranting of a crazy man, that cannot produce any proof to what he professes to be the correct doctrine, is not qualified to rule on any religious findings.”

Unfortunately, the alleged “crop design” was exposed as a hoax when further investigation showed that it was not a message from the stars or heaven but a cry for help. Both camps admitted disappointment, but Dr. McFeely regained a new hope in an after thought stating, “I honestly do feel that this might be a message from either an abandoned E.T. or perhaps a former abduction subject wanting to go back. I guess we will never know who wrote it. But it does make for another interesting book possibility.”

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Science creates new garments for the 21st century

For the first time since 1979, the Garment of the Holy Priesthood worn by members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has been updated to better reflect the ever changing society in which the church's members are often confined. The new Garment v. 3.0 was unveiled during the most recent General Conference to the humble applause of all in attendance. It is designed as a three-piece ensemble consisting of the traditional trousers, a sleeveless shirt and new spandex arm stockings.

"Many people may remember when Science blessed us with the two piece garment in 1979," said Elder Brian Warner, local general authority. "We believed, at the time, that was the most stunning technological achievement by Science of all time. I never would have believed that I would live to see the impossible come to life. These new garments allow for more depth of motion while playing golf and tennis, while still allowing the faithful to have remembrance of all of God’s commandments."

When asked to comment on this startling new garment, Science replied " Truth be told, I've wanted to make a number of improvements to the garment since at least as early 1981, but constantly met resistance from the higher-ups in the church. A few months ago, I thought to myself, 'Hey! If [the LDS Church] was so ecstatic when I cut their original one-piece garment in half to create a two-piece, I bet I could slip a whole slew of improvements into the design if I just throw some extraneous BS arm sleeves into the mix and called it a three piece.' And, it worked. They are so excited about the freaking arm sleeves.... let me repeat, ARM SLEEVES, that they didn't even notice the billions of dollars of research and development included in each piece."

According to Science, these new features include:

1) A spray on micro-Kevlar fiber that protects the Faithful from any type of puncture or bullet up to a .44 caliber at a distance less than seven feet.
2) Specially bio-engineered amoeba lining the inside of the Garment that eat the bacteria found in human sweat and recycles the water content into a form of air conditioning that keeps the human body at a constant 96 degrees.
3) Always-On GPS Monitoring (TM) which constantly monitors the vital signs of the Faithful and, in cases of vital distress, uses a global positioning satellite to alert the nearest emergency care giver of the situation.
4) An iPod dock that uses the mechanical energy constantly produced by the human body to recharge the device.
5) Active Camouflage

When reporters from The Regal Seagull asked Elder Warner his thoughts on these stunning advances in technology, he stated, "The new design of the shirt and the arm sleeves allow me to play lacrosse as easily as if I were not wearing any underwear at all. Thank you, Science!"

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

NEWS IN BRIEF: “America’s Next Top Fetus” invades Utah

The creators of Americas Next Top Fetus are coming to Utah for the first ever Fetus Auditions. A spokesperson for Fetal Foto’s of Salt Lake City is very excited about the opportunities for Utah Fetuses. We contacted Sic Fuk Productions, the creators of ANTF to find out exactly what they are looking for in a Model Fetus. They responded, “We are looking for grace, poise, proper fetal positioning, amniotic quality, and confidence. The only problem is getting them to pose, so we created a special probe that attaches to the Mother. It sends gentle electrical currents so the Fetus will be encouraged to pose attractively” They added, “We all know that Models today just don’t look young enough so why not begin to exploit that gorgeous child of yours before it’s even born.”

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