Family bonding on a budget

Maybe you thought it was a good idea to have a lot of children. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. There are many good folks here in our mountain-top paradise who have made it a goal to single handedly “multiply and replenish the earth.” The result: Utah families are, well, large. And large families, as you know, take a lot of money.

Sure, it would be lovely to own that giant ski boat with a Ford F650 Superbeast to pull it; and of course nothing brings a family closer than a pair of 1800cc Yamaha Wave Runners skipping on the manifestly destined waters of Lake Powell Reservoir, but if you have a grundle of kids, chances are you do your family bonding on a budget.
Not to worry, you don’t need big gassy toys to bring your family closer. We’ve come up with some great ideas for folks on a Western Family budget. These incredibly inexpensive outing ideas are guaranteed to bring you closer to your many many children.

A great place to start your family budget bonding experience is just a click away at LDS Skinny-Dipper Connection (unless you’re too poor even for internet, in which case you’ll just have to settle for a family picnic in the park). I learned about the LDS Skinny-Dipper Connection by eaves-dropping on KSL’s very own Doug Miller at the last Boat and RV show. According to Doug, “…catching a large-mouthed bass is great, but nothing in the world is as exhilarating as a nudie dip in Strawberry Reservoir with your best buds.” Doug couldn’t be more right.

The LDS Skinny-Dipper Connection is a values-oriented group dedicated to helping your family overcome the guilt that Sunday school teachers have worked so hard to instill about the human body. The web site has a Q and A section that tackles those tough to answer questions like "Can I be a Mormon and a Nudist?," and "How can I make anonymous contact?" If you like what you see on the site (sorry, no nude pictures), then the next step is to submit a survey to see if you’re worthy to fraternize with other unencumbered members. People deemed worthy will be put on the secret contact list and invited to a family night in the buff.

If this is your cup of tea (herbal, of course), then grab your family, some sunscreen and some towels for the hot vinyl seats in the suburban. Skinny-dipping, like a Second South hooker, is cheap, easy and can be done almost anywhere. So get back to the days of those famous nudists, Adam and Eve, and give your kids an experience they’ll never forget.

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If you’re a family of gymnophobes, then maybe you’d prefer a more “dressed” activity. My next suggestion is a tour of Utah’s wonders. No, not those dusty old National Parks; I’m talking about the breathtaking sculptures that wacky artists have left all over the state.

The first stop is the Gilgal Sculpture Garden. These madcap creations of Thomas Battersby Child Jr. are sandwiched between the Chuck-a-Rama and the Twinkie factory at 749 East 500 South in Salt Lake City. Although I did no research into Thomas Child’s life, I’m sure—judging by his sculptures—that he was probably considered a visionary in his time; a mad mad visionary that frightened people. You’ll have a great time as your children ask you questions like “Why does that lion have a face like Joseph Smith?” and “Why can’t we go to Lagoon instead?”

Once you’ve seen that weird Gilgal stuff, it’s time to venture out of the valley to see some more weird art. Take a dreary drive into the desert west on I-80 to see the Tree of Utah. Swedish artist Karl Momen finished this big creepy tree in 1986. Since that time, millions of travelers have whizzed by the tree at 65 mph saying to themselves, “What the hell?” Your family will share that same wonderment — then five minutes later, you’ll get back into the car and drive all the way back home.

Among the iconic Utah works of art is Robert Smithson’s Spiral Jetty. Yet another god-awful drive to get to, the spiral jetty is the perfect place to see how oil rigs are set up. That’s right, Pearl Exploration and Production is slated to start tearing up the land all around this big pubic hair-shaped sculpture. But not to worry, you can always stop by the Golden Spike museum on the way home and count the trip as a success.

The last stop on this family art tour is Mystic Hot Springs. Oh, wait, this one contains nudity. Never mind.

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Finally, if all else has failed and you're still looking for that perfect bonding experience, why not take your children’s advice and go to Lagoon. Or better yet, leave the kids with Grandma and Grandpa and take the fun bus to Wendover. That’s right. For $18 the fun bus will take you to a magical place where you can enjoy a buffet, catch Kenny Rogers live and sit in a noisy smoke-filled room dropping quarter after quarter into a bright blinking machine for hours on end. And if you find yourself missing your children, there’s also alcohol.

These are just a few examples of great ways to spend time with your family. It’s important to remember: you don't need the speed boat. All that really matters is that you spend time with your family. It's too bad you had so many kids that you have to work all the time to keep them fed and are too tired when you get home to do anything.