Science creates new garments for the 21st century

For the first time since 1979, the Garment of the Holy Priesthood worn by members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has been updated to better reflect the ever changing society in which the church's members are often confined. The new Garment v. 3.0 was unveiled during the most recent General Conference to the humble applause of all in attendance. It is designed as a three-piece ensemble consisting of the traditional trousers, a sleeveless shirt and new spandex arm stockings.

"Many people may remember when Science blessed us with the two piece garment in 1979," said Elder Brian Warner, local general authority. "We believed, at the time, that was the most stunning technological achievement by Science of all time. I never would have believed that I would live to see the impossible come to life. These new garments allow for more depth of motion while playing golf and tennis, while still allowing the faithful to have remembrance of all of God’s commandments."

When asked to comment on this startling new garment, Science replied " Truth be told, I've wanted to make a number of improvements to the garment since at least as early 1981, but constantly met resistance from the higher-ups in the church. A few months ago, I thought to myself, 'Hey! If [the LDS Church] was so ecstatic when I cut their original one-piece garment in half to create a two-piece, I bet I could slip a whole slew of improvements into the design if I just throw some extraneous BS arm sleeves into the mix and called it a three piece.' And, it worked. They are so excited about the freaking arm sleeves.... let me repeat, ARM SLEEVES, that they didn't even notice the billions of dollars of research and development included in each piece."

According to Science, these new features include:

1) A spray on micro-Kevlar fiber that protects the Faithful from any type of puncture or bullet up to a .44 caliber at a distance less than seven feet.
2) Specially bio-engineered amoeba lining the inside of the Garment that eat the bacteria found in human sweat and recycles the water content into a form of air conditioning that keeps the human body at a constant 96 degrees.
3) Always-On GPS Monitoring (TM) which constantly monitors the vital signs of the Faithful and, in cases of vital distress, uses a global positioning satellite to alert the nearest emergency care giver of the situation.
4) An iPod dock that uses the mechanical energy constantly produced by the human body to recharge the device.
5) Active Camouflage

When reporters from The Regal Seagull asked Elder Warner his thoughts on these stunning advances in technology, he stated, "The new design of the shirt and the arm sleeves allow me to play lacrosse as easily as if I were not wearing any underwear at all. Thank you, Science!"

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