Angry Jesus inebriates Mormons

LDS Faithful were distraught to find that the water traditionally received during the Sacrament had been converted not into the Blood of Christ, but into Absolut Citron. "Our initial reaction was to blame the Catholics," stated Elder Brian Warner, area authority president. "For some reason, we've found the Papists to be at the root of every transgression against the LDS Church going back to 1871 when Mr. Mastai-Ferretti (a.k.a. Pope Pius IX) founded The Salt Lake Tribune newspaper to act as a constant thorn in the church's side."

It came as some surprise to Elder Warner when he discovered that the plan to substitute vodka for the congregation's water did not stem from the offices of the Pope, but rather from The Lord Jesus Christ Himself. "I was on the telephone, waiting to be connected to Mr. Ratzinger (a.k.a. Pope Benedict XVI) when I felt the Spirit of the Lord approach me, saying 'desist in [thine] attempts at chastising the Romans, for it was the Will of the Father to test the Faithful.' I will admit to being confused at the words of Our Lord, however, I am but a man and must have faith in the Will of Our Heavenly Father."

Reporters for The Regal Seagull were able to speak with Jesus over a game of eight-ball at Piper Down. "Now, don't get me wrong," said the Lamb of God, "I really dig the Mormons. The fact that they don't have crucifixes all over the place pleases me greatly. I mean, hell, imagine you were a wounded Vietnam Vet. How would you like to see a statue of a Viet-Cong soldier pointing a gun at you in every home that you were invited to? You would not like it, not at all! I can bloody well guarantee you that, my friend! So, yeah, mad props to them for that. But, I never knew that they were passing out water instead of wine during Sacrament. Didn't they read that story about the wedding when my mom came up to me and was all, 'Yo, we don't got no more wine, son, just water.' and I was like, 'No, No, this will not do.' I do not like water. Water does not get Jesus toasty. Jesus likes to be toasty. So, yeah, I changed their water to flavored vodka, what of it? Believe you, me! If we had Citron back in the day, I'm sure my apostles would have seen me do many, many more miracles, you dig? They were drunkards, is what I'm saying. Seven ball, side pocket! Clickety-Clak!”

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