A secret Republican plot has been uncovered that would use the new UTA FrontRunner commuter train to ship all Salt Lake area liberals off to the desert near the Golden Spike Monument with no way to get back home. It is expected that once there, they would flounder around for food for a couple of weeks until eventually decaying into a Donner Party-esque state of cannibalism, and finally die of starvation.“That’s absolutely preposterous,” said Orrin T. Colby Jr., president of UTA and member of the Board of Trustees. “Our sole purpose it to create an alternative form of transportation for those trying to escape … er … travel from Ogden to Salt Lake and back.” While Colby Jr. may or may not have any direct involvement in the newly-exposed plot, those funding his FrontRunner project are definitely up to no good.
Hints of the conspiracy came out in a secretly recorded conversation between Senator Bob Bennett (R-Utah) and self-proclaimed free capitalist Rick Koerber. Bennett is heard saying “Our plans are coming together quite nicely, Rick. Soon the train will be running, and liberals all over the valley, as well as the non-partisan poor, will be boarding it with no idea of where they are really going. In the mean time, the rest of us will be safe in our Hummer H4s.” Koerber responds, “Yessss. Ze liberals vill be on ze train, and zen … ze vorld vill be ours!” Both Bennett and Koerber then break out in a simultaneous “Mu ha ha ha ha.”
Bennett is almost solely responsible for obtaining the majority of the $611 million in federal grant money for the FrontRunner project. Koerber, since his release from a federal penitentiary where he served time for embezzlement, has miraculously come up with the $111 million that Bennett for Senate wasn’t able to obtain. “I got rich from being righteous,” stated Koerber. “Righteousness equals richiness—just look at ze poor, and zen do ze math. I don’t sink I need to spell it out for you.” When asked if he was behind the plot to ship off liberals, Koerber responded, “Plot? Plot sounds like somesing ze Nazis vould cook up. Zose godless heazens murdered my family! AHH! I vill avenge you, Oma!” He then trailed off into a mostly unintelligible tirade against Nazis, Democrats, the Smurfs, KFC and athlete’s foot.
An anonymous source from inside Utah’s state capitol building has leaked several signed documents and incriminating office memos to the staff of The Regal Seagull. These papers confirm the Republican plot to ship off liberals and others who “would stand in the way of the city’s progress towards the ushering in of a New Conservative Order, where man and beast will lay together, just as Hugh Nibley and prophets of old laid with their offspring.”
One document, signed by Bennett, appears to be instructions on how to convince liberals and other “potential NCO obstacles” to board the northbound train: “… [the NCO Initiative (as they refer to themselves)] will place ads around the city as well as on KJZZ and the world wide web (which is inherently evil, but can still be used for good) informing citizens and illegals that on the appointed day at the appointed time, all FrontRunner cars will be filled with several free dollar bills. As the general public congregates to buy tickets to board the train, conservatives will be shown the “secret sign,” informing them that this is the long-awaited trap, and they will turn around without boarding. Once the train is filled to capacity, it will drive to its northernmost stop in Ogden. Passengers will then be informed that they are in Ogden, and a general panic will ensue. Waiting at the bus stop will be a fleet of UTA buses with large signs reading To leave Ogden, board here now.”
Bennett expects the train to empty and the buses to fill within 1-2 minutes, at which point the buses will caravan north to the desert near the Golden Spike monument, which hasn’t been visited by white people since the historic spike pounding of 1869. It is there that the passengers will be dropped off and left to die.
Besides liberals and the poor, others listedt o be shipped out include Unitarians, Libertarians, librarians, red heads, lunch ladies, telemark skiers, the word “panties,” Kilby Court, the Scottish and birth control.
Despite the evidence, Bennett, Koerber and other less sinister-but implicated-nonetheless figures all adamantly deny involvement in, or the existence of, any such plot.
More Utah news at The Regal Seagull
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