Horoscopes, with The Regal Seagull

by The Cosmic Yenta

Taurus, April 20th - May 20th
In Spain, bullfighting is a sacred sport, not unlike spelunking in those white countries. Stop being led around by the ring in your nose and start being led around by the one in your @#^%. This could mean a new beginning for you, or end.

Gemini, May 21st - June 21st
Walking around like a zombie all week will be tempting. Avoid that weird couple next door who claim to be from Haiti. Go to the nicest Tongan bar in Kearns and drink a zombie instead. It will give you the nerve to fight off those attractive yet scary neighbors. I order you.

Cancer, June 22nd - July 22nd
Do not go home. Stay at a dear friend’s house or apartment or Hogan or lean-to or cardboard box or van or RV. Trust me on this one. It’s just a hunch but now that I’m following my inner self, I’m usually sometimes always right.

Leo, July 23rd - August 22nd
In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the Lion sleeps tonight. No sleep for the wicked this week. Hunt….. hunt like you’ve never hunted before. Piper Down is great after midnight, like, shooting fish in a barrel. You will find the drunkest girls and boys of every persuasion in town. You can’t lose. I never do.

Virgo, August 23rd - September 22nd
Pack up everything you own and move to Florida. An old flame awaits your arrival with open arms, a double wide, and a case of Puerto Rican Rum. Resistance is futile. If I’m wrong, well, no, you can’t move back in with me.

Libra, September 23rd - October 22nd
Your weight has been a problem for you lately huh? You’ve been obsessing and the scale is winning. Shut that goddamn pie hole stupid. You maggot, you worm. Sew it shut if you must. I may sound harsh but I’ll get the whip out later. What time?

Scorpio, October 23rd - November 21st
Surfing the internet for your true love will not serve you well this week. Remember that 700 pound psycho shut-in who tried to trap and eat you? Try hooking up with friends of friends. That always works out. If not you can always call me. Seriously, call me.

Sagittarius, November 22nd - December 21st
Listen only to Hip-Hop. There are subliminal messages you need this week. Maybe, a drive-by will be the answer to the dilemma you are facing. If not, then bitches and ho’s son. Bitches and ho’s.

Capricorn, December 22nd - January 19th
If there ain’t no mountain high enough and there ain’t no valley low enough then where the hell are you going?

Aquarius, January 20th - February 19th
The roller coaster ride that will be this week will not end until you jump off, break both legs and a collar bone, and smash that crazy scull of yours on the pavement. Oh, yeah, that’s what it takes. Luckily there will be morphine. Plenty of morphine.

Pisces, February 20th - March 20th
No, it’s not ok to put a rotten fish in the walls of your enemies.

Aries, March 21st - April 19th
Slamming your head against the wall will only give you a head injury. Try putting a pillow or a sofa cushion between you and the object of your disapproval. Have you gone to that counselor I demanded that you see? I told you he was really hot and you might get lucky. What are you waiting for? Gas prices to go down?

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