Ask Sensitive Ned: The cursed non-Greeks

Sensitive Ned,

My mother-in-law put a curse on my husband and me -- I believe she couldn't get through to me and so she attacked him. She cursed that he would never make any money in his life, that he would lose his business, lose his wife (me) and the kids and be completely destroyed. And to seal the curse, she spat in his face twice.

I'm a very superstitious person and I truly believe that she sealed this curse on him. The reason is that they are Greek and I am not. They want control over us, and I refuse to have anyone control me anymore. I've been with him for over 12 years, eight of which we've been married; we have three little kids together. I've done everything I could to make them happy and to basically accept me, and no matter what, they just don't. They would be fine in front of me and then talk behind my back to others.

We had a huge blowout last year because I went to do my hair -- and they were like, “Why should you highlight your hair? What, are you trying to be — a model?” Well, it started like that and became really huge, and now this curse.

Any help on how to remove this would be great.

Cursed by Mother-in-Law


Dear Cursed by Mother-in-Law,

I understand that you are concerned, and I know how scary it can be to have a curse spat upon you or a loved one. Let me start by saying, you have come to the right place! In college I did a semester abroad in Louisiana where I studied Voodoo, Black Magic, Hechicerias and Island Mysticism. Though we spent only one chapter of one text book on Mediterranean Magic, and admittedly, I didn’t pay too much attention (I was totally consumed by another class project where we were learning to entrance people into performing our will after they had read anything we had written. If you ever have the desire to e-mail me half nude pictures of Neil Diamond after reading my column, then those classes have definitely paid off), but I do know that Mediterranean Magic shares a lot of basic principles of other magic.

Here’s my advice to you:

1) You need to wash that spell out of your family’s life. There are two effective ways of doing this without having to hire a freelance wizard or full-time gypsy. You can perform the following simple ritual: Completely cover yourself and your husband with a light coating of ground basil. If you need to plug your nose with little wads of toilet paper to keep from sneezing, that’s fine. It won’t affect the decursement. You also don’t need to take your clothes off as in other rituals. Staying clothed is fine. Now, sit back to back with your husband in a dark room. Surround yourselves with four lit candles, one in each cardinal direction. Stick your arms straight out from your sides and extend your fingers so that the backs of your hands are touching the backs of your husband’s hands. Each of you bow your heads and recite the following chant three times without interruption:

Traguna Macoides Tracurum Satis Di

Now, this is the hardest part. Upon completion of the third repetition, each of you fling your head backwards, smacking your skulls together. You need to knock each other unconscious. It’s difficult, because if you don’t hit hard enough, you won’t get knocked out, you’ll just be in a lot of pain. If you hit too hard, you could cause some pretty serious damage to each other, possibly even killing one or both of you. So please take precaution. As you lay unconscious the magic will, well, work its magic. When you come to, the scourge should be fully removed, although I do recommend making a quick trip to the hospital to check for concussions. You may then move on with your lives in a normal non-cursed fashion. From that point on, should any hint of the Greek curse seem to stick its hexed head out of hell’s hole, you and your husband can just give each other a slight smack on the back of the head and that little voodoo doll will go running away with its tail between its legs faster than you can say hocus pocus.

On a side note: like your mother-in-law, I’d also like to ask if you are trying to be a model. If so, do you have any photos? I collect photos of models. It helps me relax. Please feel free to send any body shots to SensitiveNed@regalseagull.com.

Mystically yours,

Sensitive Ned

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