Utards of the Week

by Jenny Whiting, PhD

It’s that time of the year when the snow melts and the idiots of the world come out in full force. I don’t even have to make fun of these people—they do a fine job all on their own—but I will anyway.

Reading the newspaper and watching Fox 13, I’ve been especially intrigued over the past two weeks (come on, it’s the first issue and some of these Utards really deserve recognition) by these Utards and their unique ability to surpass the rest of us in the struggle for the work, the glory and the one-way ticket to lock-up.

1.) Utah Mom Attempts Murder of 9-year-old Daughter in Wal-Mart Parking Lot, Proves Utah Parents Do Hate Children After All

A Utah Mom apparently got frustrated with her 9-year-old daughter and 6-year-old son on a trip to the local Wal-Mart. Upon leaving the store she ran over her 9-year-old daughter, who was trying to get in the passenger side of the car, and proceeded to tear out of the lot, leaving tire marks and her young children in the parking space. She later told police that she was late for her Relief Society luncheon and was tired of carting around the “little freeloaders.” Good for you, Mom. It’s about time someone with kids admitted that they hate kids.

2.) Marijuana Guru Sets House Ablaze, Community Storms Local Donut Shop with Extreme Case of Munchies

While attempting to rig up a new set of heat lamps for his crop, a local marijuana farmer misread the instructions on the electrical hookup, setting his house, and 130-plant crop ablaze. The blaze also managed to destroy a nearby donut shop, which was leveled by angry customers who couldn’t eat enough donuts to satisfy their case of the munchies. The house is located on…well, nevermind, if you can’t smell it from where you are, turn your nose on and follow the scent, Lassie. But remember, the “Up Close and Toque Party” is by invitation only.

3.) Thief Robs Bike Shop, Becomes International YouTube Star Overnight, Owner Bitter

A local thief, who stole cash donations for the Shriner’s hospital from Wright’s Motorcycles became an international star overnight when the owner placed footage from his security tapes on YouTube. The 21-year-old thief has received a two-option book and movie deal. The part of the thief will be played by Brad Pitt and the owner, bitter at the news, will be played by Steven Baldwin. I don’t know what he’s complaining about, I happen to think Steven Baldwin is B-grade material…not so sure about Brad Pitt, though…he may need some work.

4.) Man Reports Drug Deal Gone Wrong to Police, Police Celebrate Honesty at Brewvies

A Salt Lake City man called police after $1300 was reportedly stolen from him during a drug deal for Oxycontin behind a local Wal-Mart. The alleged thief was questioned on scene, vindicated and accompanied police to Brewvies where the moneyless thief treated the officers to 13 rounds of beer. The caller was not arrested and was not invited to the after party. In the fight to ward off stupidity, I wonder if druggies ever thought to check their brains and their balls before opening their mouths…probably not…but a girl can dream, can’t she?

5.) USU Male Cheerleaders Steal Women’s Credit Cards, Get Makeover, Manipedi, Serve Jail time with Great Hair, Fashionable Jumpers

Charles Glover and Richard Nelson have more than just Utah State University Spirit. They have the best-kept male nails on campus, thanks to $1,000 they charged on credit cards stolen from women at the Cache Valley Fun Park on Feb 22. The teen cheerleaders spirited their way through such high-end distributors as Wal-Mart (why does everything stupid happen at Wal-Mart???) and the young men cited Martha Stewart as their inspiration, noting that they hope she will send them hand-made pom-poms and doilies while they are serving their time for multiple felonies. Of course she will, boys. Martha won’t keep a good man down.
Unfortunately we’re out of space and clever ways to make fun of this week’s Utards…they can be both emotionally and mentally draining, after all. Join us next week for an all new “Stupid is As Utah Does,” as the Utard Chronicles continue.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull