An unintentional brush with the polygamist: My Story

by Jane Doe

I try to do my part for the environment and recycle. I also try to do my part for my community and avoid Wal-Mart whenever possible. But on this day, I got off of work late, was still hungover from the previous few days and not in the mood for long lines at the regular Supermarket chains so, dear Mother of God I went to Wal-Mart to pick a few much needed items. Sorrowfully, it was as busy there than it would have been anywhere else. So after whizzing through and making sure I was under the 20 item limit, I decide to try the self check out for the first time. I must preface by telling you that I am not stupid. Not by any stretch but this scanner must have had enough of all of the other non stupid people and decided to wait for me to have it's nervous breakdown. After struggling for what seemed to be an eternity with my milk and bread a kind male voice to my left suggested I try the top part of the scanner instead of the bottom one that I had been hopelessly dragging my poor items across with no result. I turn to thank the godsend to my left when what the........A young couple, the man dressed like a typical Missionary and his young absolutely gorgeous (without make-up, the bitch) 5'10 wife dressed as an Amish fieldworker on her way to an interview for a secretarial position. I've had bad hangovers before, but never saw an apparition from the1800s? Now, I'm new to Utah. I just moved here from Phoenix, Ariz., and had never seen even a Baptist Minister's wife dressed so badly. Was the shock and horror on my face showing? How long have I been standing here? A feeble thanks slurred out and I tried to re focus on my scanning. But no, the scanner sensing my hell refused my items. Was I sweating? The line, at first non existent, was now 10 people deep. The Amish were rolling their eyes and I could see the people behind them trying to see around them for the hold up. Thankfully the cashier who isn't there to scan your items, only to help when you can't do it yourself (does this make sense?) mournfully comes over to help me. She was a sweet little Mexican lady and I couldn't help but feel bad for her having to not only work so late at night, but to have to deal with the likes of me. She opens with “Miss, haven't you ever done this before? I don't know what came over me but I glanced over at the Amish and replied “Why no, my boyfriend usually does this for me. I thought that's why God made Men.” She giggled, took my money, and as I grabbed my bags to flee turned slightly to see the Amish frozen stiff, glaring in my general direction.

The next day I told the story to the Boyfriend of on of my co-workers. He looked at me incredulously, “Those weren't Amish silly, those were Polygamists” He went on to tell me that they usually only parade around in public with the youngest and prettiest wife and that the rest of the wives have to stay home and take care of the household. I was devastated. All of my hopes of moving to Utah and finding a Polygamist sect up in smoke. I was originally hoping to hook up with one so I could quit my job and hang out with catty bitches all day and have free babysitting. I guess it's back to Plan B.

*Jane Doe has chosen not to reveal her name at this time, in case she chooses to become a polygamist at a later date. She’s also doesn’t want people to know she shops at Wal-Mart.

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