Man spreads joy of AIDS through ketchup

Regardless of popular medical belief, local man Stan Stoogeman, recently took it upon himself to spread the joy of AIDS by injecting his AIDS-infected blood into ketchup bottles on the tables of restaurants throughout the Salt Lake Valley.

When asked what he was thinking, Stoogeman said, “I wanted to spread the joy of what I’ve been feeling the past few years—there’s nothing quite like the feeling of slowing withering away until you’re gone, gone, gone.”

Stoogeman, a local homeless man suffering from paranoid schizophrenia, also admitted that the “voices” told him to do it. However, Stoogeman identified the voices as President Bush, Mayor Ralph Becker and Jane Goodall, leaving reporters, medical professionals and police officers wondering if he was telling the truth after all about being locked in a room and forced to make love to a monkey, a chicken and a golden retriever prior to setting out on his assigned task.

Only 27 restaurants and 98 ketchup bottles were injected with Stoogeman’s blood and many residents found that the addition did, in fact, make their food taste better.

Kimberly Insanwuman of Millcreek said, “It definitely gave the ketchup a new kick. It was little watery but overall it tasted great—I think every sauce could use a little blood in it.” Insanwuman is a member of the Salt Lake Chamber of Commerce, the Utah Tax Commission, works full time for the regional division of the IRS and is a practicing Gothic.

Although it has been recently found that AIDS cannot actually be spread through the use of the ketchup, public officials and local businesses are taking the matter seriously.

The local Heinz plant has drawn up plans for a new blood-flavored ketchup, available for sale at all H&R Block locations, RC Willey Home Furnishings, inside the gift shops at every state-owned monument and museum, and will also offer the alternative ketchup in all cafeterias for state employees. The federal government has commissioned 5 million bottles of the ketchup and will mail them to all tax payers with returns and notices of audit for 2007 taxes and all years following.

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