Are cats the newest source of alternative power?

University of Utah scientists have claimed that they are close to finding a new and somewhat stable form of alternate fuel. Dr. P.H. Dent, chair of the Physics Department at the University of Utah, has been leading the federally funded research team for the past five years and said, “We have stumbled upon an untapped resource here in Utah alone. Who would have thought that the common cat could harness so much potential? It is truly amazing.”

What Dr. Dent is referring to is the answer to an age old question in philosophy. If a cat always lands on its feet and bread always lands buttered side down, then what would happen if one were strap a piece of buttered bread to a cat’s back? “It is a question that has plagued me since my undergraduate studies years ago. I just finally had the chance to test a theory I had regarding the possible outcome to such a quandary,” he continued. What the outcome has proven to be is a constant and perpetual engine that will run without ceasing or slowing.

“There are natural laws for both feline and buttered bread when considering gravity. See both a bread’s buttered side and a cat’s feet are drawn to the earth’s core. When a piece of buttered bread is strapped to a cat’s back and then dropped from a height of no more than five feet, then both areas of interest conflict. Thusly, neither side touches the ground and therefore the cat will spin above the ground and create spinning anomaly,” Dr. Dent further explained. “The constant spinning of the cat is capable of turning gears, when properly attached. In the end, you have a perpetual engine.”

When asked if there were any complications using cats in this manner or if PETA, or other animal rights interest groups, have complained Dr. Dent stated, “Well we did find motion sickness occurred in earlier subjects, but that was cleared when we administered Dramamine intravenously to keep them stable.” As far as PETA was concerned, he simply released a statement saying, “For a long time now cats have lived a pampered life. They are coddled to a gross extent. It is because of this past, cats have become lazy and almost useless to society and it is time for them to give back to the communities they have extorted from for so long.”

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