Viewers who tuned in to Wednesday's two and a half hour “Idol Gives Back” were surprised at the show's proposal to eliminate poverty by killing children.“American Idol's” annual event to raise money to help fight disease and poverty in the world's two most underdeveloped regions, Africa and the United States of America, was on track to continue its tradition of showcasing the smugness of the Hollywood elite against the backdrop of the bitterly oppressed when Reese Witherspoon took the stage at the two hour mark. Witherspoon, the coquettish star of Freeway and S.F.W., stated, “If we are going to eradicate poverty in this country, we need to start with the children.”
The show then cut to a pre-produced segment in which Hannah Montana star, Miley Cyrus, visited a undisclosed junior high school in West Fairfield, NE. The young star and daughter of '90's singing sensation Billie Rae Cyrus took the stage in the school's auditorium to perform her smash hit single “Life's What You Make It.” At the end of her performance she asked the students to look underneath their chair where the lucky few would find invitations to attend a special meet and greet with her and her back-up dancers immediately following the show.
Those that did not have tickets to the special event could stay and enjoy the comedic styling of Dane Cook while enjoying chips and drinks provided by the sponsors of American Idol. Within fifteen minutes, all the remaining children were dead. Sadly, Dane Cook still performed his comedy routine.
“By eliminating two-thirds of all children throughout the continental United States,” Paula Abdul said, “we can redistribute the wealth spent on all the frivolous luxuries today's children enjoy into more socially beneficial charities like PETA and Greenpeace. We can take all of the clothing portly children wear and hand it out at homeless shelters. By freeing up both time and disposable income of the average suburban parent, they will be able to volunteer at soup kitchens and planned parenthood offices. If you take away one parent's child, they will then take on the entire world as their child and nurture those in need.”
When asked how the children would be selected for culling, Simon Cowell responded “At first we thought that we would only take from the surprisingly large fan base of Dane Cook, but our lawyers thought we might then be sued for practicing eugenics. Instead, we randomly draw social security numbers for children between the ages of fetus and 13. Those between the ages of 14 and 18 will all be microchipped with a transponder that randomly changes between an on and off setting. While the transmitter is off, the child can go about his day just as naturally as ever. However, once the transmitter is turned on, the child can be hunted as a blood sport by any individual who has obtained the proper licensing.”
Cowell then called 17-year old David Archuleta to the stage. Archuleta, the soulful voiced Murray, Utah, contender who many believed to be a front runner of the show, took to the stage looking slightly bemused and dumbfounded. He smiled sheepishly and greeted Cowell who simply stated, “Go.” Archuleta, no longer bemused but terrified, began to run off stage only to be shot in the back of the head by series host, Ryan Seacrest. “Don't worry, Folks!” said Seacrest, “I have attended a two week course and I am fully licensed to hunt teens in the state of California.”
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