Energy Solutions, Inc., a Utah nuclear waste disposal company, announced plans today to collect all remaining nuclear waste from the infamous Chernobyl disaster of the mid-'80s and import it to Salt Lake City, where they will bury it under the former Delta Center. “After years of watching the Utah Jazz struggle as a ‘pretty good team,’ we’d love to give them the energy boost they need to go all the way,” stated Energy Solution’s P.R. Director Mark Walker, “and we believe nuclear power has proved itself of being more than capable to fulfill that task.”Some 200 tonnes of radioactive material remains encased in a cement structure that was built at the Chernobyl plant immediately following the devastatingly fatal meltdown of 1986. Energy Solutions plans to send teams of highly-trained specialists in technical radiation suits to the Ukrainian site to begin collection and transport of the still-volatile material. In order to move such a massive amount of radioactive material, Energy Solutions has rented eastern Europe’s entire fleet of FedEx trucks.
The glowing green goo will be driven from its current location in Ukraine, west through 14 European countries—including several former republics of other countries, as well as France, Spain and Ireland—and will then set sail for the United States. Upon arrival at Ellis Island, it will be loaded into the Brooks & Dunn mobile entourage of semi-trailers, which outnumbers the eastern European FedEx fleet two to one. It will then follow the country pop star duo on a six-week tour of the U.S., making special stops at Ground Zero, Disney World, Sea World, the Alamo and the Bush Ranch in Texas, so the president and his family can get a “first-hand look at real nukyaler power.” The train of radiation-bearing semis will roll into Utah’s capital city about a month before NBA action resumes in the fall.
Energy Solutions has revealed that it actually began plans to import the radioactive waste back in November 2007, at which time it commenced digging a massive storage facility underneath the Energy Solutions Arena, claiming to be building an underground ultimate fighting cage. “That’s how we were able to do it without provoking local protest,” explained Walker, P.R. Ranger. “The only things Utahns love more than UFC are KFC and the 12 apostles.”
At this point, the plan is to fill the underground facility with as much radioactive material as possible, and then seal it off to prevent leakage. The storage unit has tiny ventilation tubes which run directly under the home team bench in the basketball arena, the idea being to expose members of the Utah Jazz to the radiation while withholding it from the visiting team. “We’ll expose them with just enough Jazz-Em™, as we call it, to increase their adrenaline and endurance levels, but not enough to cause any real long-term significant damage,” Walker said.
The Regal Seagull was able to catch up with former Jazz forward Karl Malone while he was visiting Utah on a bear hunt expedition in which he didn’t carry a gun, rather he intended to kill a bear with his own hands. When asked if he thought a healthy dose of underground radiation would energize the Jazz, he replied, “Man, I don’t care, I left that team years ago. I mean it’s like, Utah who? You know what I’m sayin’?”
At a public hearing where several community members expressed concern at the possibility of harmful side-effects from having the waste so close to their homes and to the city’s water system, Steve Creamer, chairman and CEO of Energy Solutions, responded, “We have built a leak-proof containment unit. I would like to emphasize that there is absolutely no risk to the public.” Creamer’s promise immediately pacified all community concerns, and most present spent the rest of the public hearing shaking hands with Energy Solutions executives and sharing stories of “the good ol’ days of nuclear power.”
More Utah news at The Regal Seagull
No comments:
Post a Comment