by The Cosmic Yenta
Taurus, April 20th - May 20thFind any crap on your lawn this week Mr. and Ms. Bull? That's because you've been dishin' it out to the point where the universe is throwing it right back at you, the same way monkeys at the zoo throw their crap at innocent bystanders. Except you are not innocent. Stop looking for meanings in all of this. There is no meaning. Oh God is there no meaning?
Gemini, May 21st - June 21stThe wisdom you seek is fleeting. The black cloud hovering around you will not blow. There is rain in your heart. What? Sorry, I'm watching Dances with Wolves and writing this stupid.... oh... whoops, sorry, back to you Gemini. Go out with friends this week, get really drunk and drive around Sugarhouse looking for clues. Trust me, it's the right thing to do.
Cancer, June 22nd - July 22ndBreathe deep. Do you smell salt water? No? Then what is that you are cooking up this week? Just remember the octopus eats the crab, the crab eats the fish, and the fish eat the shit offthe bottom of the ocean. Take that to heart.
Leo, July 23rd - August 22ndIt's a jungle out there boys and girls. Poor lion always has to be in control, but don't you fret Simba. There are plenty of willing victims just waiting for you to pounce. Try the Trapp Door. You might get lucky, but then again you might also get herpes. That's the way the carcass rots!
Virgo, August 23rd - September 22ndDon't say I didn't warn you.
Libra, September 23rd - October 22ndWill you, won't you, will you, won't you... oh just shit or get off the septic tank. We (and by we, I mean me and the voices) all know that your are an abominable decision maker. Remember the infamous words of Neil Peart: "If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice." Well it makes sense to the pot heads I know, so it must be right. Yeah do that.
Scorpio, October 23rd - November 21stScheming, lying, dirty, nasty, filthy whore, mother trucking sexy son of a... call me. I'll be up late all week. Or whenever, just call me.
Sagittarius, November 22nd - December 21stThe mirror has two faces. The one you meet at first, and the one you choose to show to the world. Either way they both need a make-over. Get your sorry ass over to the mall and demand your basic human rights. Who knows - that special person at work you've been e-stalking might finally notice you and ask you out for roofies and a wham bam. One can only hope. And without hope... no wham bam.
Capricorn, December 22nd - January 19thYou've been living like a shut-in this week, eating a steady diet of tin cans and socks... not good. Stop watching reruns of 90210 and porn and get the hell out. Or just stay in and make your own porn. Now there's a creative way to solve that cash flow problem. You owe me bitches.
Aquarius, January 20th - February 19thDrowning in your own vomit is not what I call a good time. Your patron saint Lohan might think so, but snap out of it. There are better things to do this week like laundry and Methadone. Don't worry, I stopped having you followed - your mother told me everything. Of course we still speak, even you can't step to that.
Pisces, February 20th - March 20thYou may be feeling slightly lethargic this week. That's because I've been chasing you around the sofa in your dreams. Hell no, I'm not kidding.
Aries, March 21st - April 19thCreativity, positive energy, a winning personality... all of the attributes you lack can be yours. Just send me a check every week for a month at the unheard of price of $200.00 and I won't tell a soul what I saw at Club Sound on Sunday. This is not a threat, it's a promise.
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