Guy in Ogden disappointed he never auditioned for 'Everwood'

Everyone regrets not having leapt at an opportunity that crossed their path at some point in their life. No one has larger regrets though than Brett Herschfield, 25, of Ogden.

Herschfield, an assistant manager at the Gap in Newgate Mall, wishes more than anything that he had auditioned for “Everwood,” a prime time drama mixed with subtle hints of comedy that originally aired on The WB. The television show, which Herschfield insists was totally different from the other former WB shows in which teen angst was portrayed by actors in their mid-30s, was filmed in Ogden and Salt Lake City.

After seeing only the first three episodes, Herschfield – whose life goals currently consist of rising through the ranks of the Gap hierarchy until he becomes assistant district manager – immediately knew that his life had just one purpose: that of auditioning for “Everwood.” Said Herschfield, who’s slightly overweight and only moderately attractive, “It was one of the greatest shows to grace the small screen, what with all the fleshed-out characters and plots relating to everyone’s lives. Plus, it was filmed just miles from where I live!”

Although unable to explain what exactly he meant by “fleshed-out characters” and “plots relating to everyone’s lives,” Herschfield said he most likely would have earned a regular role on the mid-quality dramedy, as he once had a supporting role in a high school play nearly a decade ago. Herschfield also pointed out that he can be seen in the background of a local furniture commercial, appearing pleased with a competitively priced couch. “Was I good? Yeah, I would say I was good. I mean, I wasn’t a Marlon Brando or anything, but I also don’t think Marlon Brando would have held a candle to Treat Williams.”
When asked if he has any future auditions planned, Herschfield replied, “probably not, as nothing will ever reach the television greatness of “Everwood.” I think that ship has sailed.” He then added, “unless “One Tree Hill” decides to start filming in Ogden, which is totally possible.”

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Man spreads joy of AIDS through ketchup

Regardless of popular medical belief, local man Stan Stoogeman, recently took it upon himself to spread the joy of AIDS by injecting his AIDS-infected blood into ketchup bottles on the tables of restaurants throughout the Salt Lake Valley.

When asked what he was thinking, Stoogeman said, “I wanted to spread the joy of what I’ve been feeling the past few years—there’s nothing quite like the feeling of slowing withering away until you’re gone, gone, gone.”

Stoogeman, a local homeless man suffering from paranoid schizophrenia, also admitted that the “voices” told him to do it. However, Stoogeman identified the voices as President Bush, Mayor Ralph Becker and Jane Goodall, leaving reporters, medical professionals and police officers wondering if he was telling the truth after all about being locked in a room and forced to make love to a monkey, a chicken and a golden retriever prior to setting out on his assigned task.

Only 27 restaurants and 98 ketchup bottles were injected with Stoogeman’s blood and many residents found that the addition did, in fact, make their food taste better.

Kimberly Insanwuman of Millcreek said, “It definitely gave the ketchup a new kick. It was little watery but overall it tasted great—I think every sauce could use a little blood in it.” Insanwuman is a member of the Salt Lake Chamber of Commerce, the Utah Tax Commission, works full time for the regional division of the IRS and is a practicing Gothic.

Although it has been recently found that AIDS cannot actually be spread through the use of the ketchup, public officials and local businesses are taking the matter seriously.

The local Heinz plant has drawn up plans for a new blood-flavored ketchup, available for sale at all H&R Block locations, RC Willey Home Furnishings, inside the gift shops at every state-owned monument and museum, and will also offer the alternative ketchup in all cafeterias for state employees. The federal government has commissioned 5 million bottles of the ketchup and will mail them to all tax payers with returns and notices of audit for 2007 taxes and all years following.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Protestors protest protestors

The General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints comes to Salt Lake City as clockwork as tulips bloom and golden leaves fall from tree branches. Along with its white shirt and conservative tie-clad men and skirt-wearing women can be seen and heard antagonists of the faith, shouting and holding biblically-charged literature in attempts to dissuade the believers from the Mormon Church.

Now comes a new kind of protestor – the protest protestor. Julian Banks and Leann Broadhead could be seen on the corner of North Temple and West Temple, mere feet away from the evangelical group holding signs with signs reading, “Protest Something Worthwhile” and “Jesus Wasn’t A Hater.” This activism against activism showcases a new variation of the right to assemble – the anti-protest gathering.

Insisting that they are agnostic, the couple nonetheless argued for an individual’s right to practice the religion of their won choosing.
“[The protestors] just seem like mean-spirited a—holes,” Julian said, his white T-shirt emblazoned with block letters saying, “Leave the Mo’s Alone.”

Leann says the two got their idea when past LDS protestors brought temple garments, considered sacred to the LDS faithful, to the corners outside the LDS Conference Center in the past. “I may think that special underwear is a strange concept, but I do have a fondness for a certain G-string that I wouldn’t want waved in public.”

The couple plans to recruit other tolerance-minded people to continue their defense of freedom of religion in the future, including plans to protest Scientology in coming weeks.

“In my book, Scientology is more bizarre than Mormonism,” says Julian. “It’s like a cyborg Joseph Smith on crack. But if people want to believe something wacky, that’s their right. I was raised Catholic, so enough said there.”

Leann, just returned from forcing a hug onto an evangelical protestor, chimed in, “They’ve been standing outside the Scientology center in black costumes and wearing those masks that Hugo Weaving wore in “V for Vendetta.” I would protest them in defense of Guy Fawkes.”

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Young apathy movement vows to change world by doing nothing

The coveted voting bloc comprised of 18 to 34 year olds in Utah are joining a nationwide effort to stay at home this election season. In a presidential election that pundits are dubbing the most important election in more than 50 years, the youngest of eligible voters in Utah seem resounding in their determination to keep the status quo by not participating this year.

To counterbalance the efforts of groups such as MTV’s Rock the Vote and P. Diddy’s Vote or Die, Frank Hanson, a 28-year-old legal messenger has recently started a local chapter of the New York City-based, “Young Apathy.” The coalition, largely comprised of young professionals and college students, seeks to inform young potential voters of “why voting sucks” and activities that are more worthwhile than political participation.

“It could basically be anything,” said Hanson, a scruffy World of Warcraft player who has never been a registered voter. “From video games to beer pong to laying on the couch watching “Scrubs” reruns, I guarantee you I’ll have a better time and be a happier person by not investing the physical or mental energy required to cast a ballot.”
Hanson and thousands of others across the nation claim that political awareness only leads to frustration, depression, anxiety and “bad vibes.”

Though the Utah chapter of Young Apathy is only a few days old and has no staff, no office and no organized media efforts, Hanson claims the support is overwhelming.
“I’ve been on message boards, in bars and even went to the University of Utah campus to talk with people about not voting and everyone agrees that they don’t have the time, energy or desire to expend on it.”

Random interviews conducted on the street seem to give credence to Hanson’s assertion.
James Yao, a sophomore at Salt Lake Community College, said he isn’t planning on volunteering for a campaign or voting because, “politicians are scumbags who talk about boring things. I’ll probably just have sex with my girlfriend instead.”

“I just don’t have the inclination anymore,” said Libby Brovlowski, a barista at a downtown Salt Lake City coffee shop. “Voting and caring about the world, it all seemed so cool until I actually tried it. It’s a similar experience to the waiting room at a doctor’s office – a lot of hassle and when you see the results, you feel duped.”

However, there are detractors of the movement. Todd Frampton, a self-described political activist and college student said, “The youth just don’t realize that we can change the world. It’s on us. Bono says so and that guy is so passionate. How can you not listen to him?” He also adds that he’s heard rumors that Young Apathy is actually a scheme of the Republican Party to keep liberal-minded young people from voting Democrat.

Hanson disclaims that notion. “Dude, I don’t even know what Republicans believe in. This isn’t about political parties. It’s about coming together as a group and making a statement by not doing anything. It’s the people who stay home that really change the world – their world. Politics sucks and we’re done letting it affect our lives.”

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Weather & Traffic for Week of April 28, 2008

New AA program encourages drinking to curtail sagging AA memberships

Alcoholics Anonymous, the rehabilitation program founding in the 1930’s to aid those with alcoholism, began testing an outreach pilot program this month in Salt Lake City to curb sagging membership rates.

The new program, named ‘Bring a Friend to Drink,’ will ask local members of the Salt Lake City AA branch to invite friends and family members out to drink. By doing so, says official AA headquarters, members will build rapport and encourage alcoholism in others, consequently finding someone in whom the member can confide.

Members have been very enthusiastic about the new program. “It’s great!” explained AA member Gary C. “I pick up coupons at my AA meetings for free drinks in bars and clubs, and bring a friend with me who hasn’t had a drink in years. Now we can stop drinking together!” Said AA spokesperson Janica W, “We’ve had huge success with our ‘Bring a Friend to Drink’ program. We’re hoping that this will inspire people to continue to fall off the bandwagon – so that we can help them back on.”

Since initiating the program at the beginning of the month, membership rates for AA have soared.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Neighbor's dog to keep humping your leg, crapping on your lawn

Thoreau, the pretentiously named mixed breed who lives next door, has renewed his vow to leave droppings at random places on your lawn and hump your leg whenever you walk to your car or mailbox.
Neighbors curse at him, paper boys throw rocks at him when he's alone, and some even browse online prices of cattle prods. None of this seems to deter the little guy.

Feisty little Thoreau, half-shitzu, half-pit bull, half-pug, half-hell hound, is also planning on running into your house whenever he gets the chance to wreak havoc on your new leather couches and terrorize your small children. When he learned about the early-morning meeting you have tomorrow morning he promised bark for intermittent ten minute spans until at least 3:30 a.m.

He also wanted you to know that the three times you called the newspaper offices last month to complain about your paper boy were misdirected anger. He's surprised that you didn't notice the bits of stories about nuclear waste, the Pope and NBA box scores in his crap that you have to pick up with a plastic baggy because his owner, Jim and Karen, are lazy, irresponsible people.

So just give it up. Don't yell at or harass him any longer. Because if you do, he has a plan to pee on each of your car's tires.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Utah to build giant fence to end illegal bird migration

The Utah State Legislature announced plans today to construct a 20-ft tall barbed-wire fence around the entire state, with the purpose of keeping out several intrusive, non-native bird species. The list of foreign species includes the Canada Goose, the Baltimore Oriole, the California Condor, the Eurasian Wigeon, and the Nashville Warbler. Other species not yet on the list but under close review are the Harlequin Duck, the Hairy Woodpecker, the Bushtit, the Dickcissel, and Wild Turkey (the whiskey, not the actual bird). The American White Pelican has been invited to stay due to the fact that it is considered all-American, rather than having originated from a single state. Its cousins the Irish Black & Tan Pelican and the Italian Pelicannini, however, are still on the list.

The Turkey Vulture was originally placed on the list, but central Utah-based turkey growing plant Norbest Inc. has lobbied intensely to have it removed. “Calling the turkey an intrusive species is like calling the state bird an intrusive species—it just don’t make no sense,” said Norbest Inc. CEO John Hall. When asked if he differentiated between the Turkey Vulture and an actual turkey, he responded, “Differ-what? Boy, you ain’t speakin’ my language. All I can tell you is that if you ban the turkey, you’re basically banning freedom. Now you tell me—is it worth it?” While the potential economic repercussions of banning the Turkey Vulture are being investigated, as well as any relation between the Turkey Vulture and just regular turkeys, the bird will reside in a state of legal limbo, awaiting final say from the legislature.

Perhaps the most controversial of all birds on the list is the California Gull. While the seagull is known to be from a state other than Utah, it is also the official state bird of Utah and has been ever since the Donner Party brought it over on their return trip from California. A change in the state’s most beloved mascot could prove devastating to several seagull owners in Utah, but local legislators have confirmed the very real possibility of being forced to name a new state bird.
The Utah Division of Wildlife Services, in conjunction with private contractor Furst Construction, is slated to begin construction of the bird fence sometime this summer. The fence will follow exactly the state line on every side, with checkpoint gates placed anyplace roads cross the border. A major worry of bird lovers is that the fence will also trap already existing foreign bird species inside of the state. “That’s a valid concern,” says Utah Governor John Huntsman, “Already existing foreign species will be tagged and allowed to remain, provided they behave in a civil avian manner. Otherwise, we will be forced to place them in Cat-apault and launch them over the fence and out of state boundaries.”

Opponents to the bird fence claim the state doesn’t have the authority to interfere with bird migration paths, noting that birds have no understanding of political boundaries, rather base their nesting patterns on geographical features that inherently are crossed by state lines.

When asked if a 20-foot fence would be tall enough to really keep birds out, the bills main propagator Sen. Wayne Niederhauser (R) of Sandy City responded, “Oh it’ll be big enough alright. You bet it will be big enough.”
The complete list of banned bird species can be seen in its entirety at Utah.gov.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

State St. construction at standstill as construction workers leave to join Chippendales

It seems that the public's worst fears have come true: construction on State Street actually can last forever, according to recent reports that the number of construction workers within UDOT has dwindled rapidly lately due to the new recruiting efforts of the popular ladies’ stage show, “Chippendales.”

Chippendales Company is auditioning in every major city (e.g. Salt Lake City, San Diego, etc.) to create solid shows that play every weekend. Chippendales has had one of the largest turnouts of contestants ever for the coveted 11 available spots among construction workers along I-80 and State Street.

Chippendales hottie Billy John told us that “Chippendales in looking to expand” and “There’s no better place to find exactly what we’re looking for than construction pools in Salt Lake City and other major cities.”

Auditions can be viewed live during rush hour traffic along major portions of I-80 and State Street. Simply look for the overweight, sweaty men swinging their big tools and T-shirts around the construction site while their blubber flings around.

Chippendales hottie of the month Jason Crispie refused to tell us the name and intent of the upcoming weekend shows in Salt Lake City but an anonymous source told The Regal Seagull that “the show will be showing a lot more man than usual, if you know what I mean.” After this interview, Regal Seagull reporters forfeited their press passes to the opening night of the event.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Las Vegas loses title of 'Sin City' to West Jordan

It turns out that tourists heading to Las Vegas in search of a riotous and ‘sinful’ vacation may actually find better luck in Nevada’s eastern neighbor. Las Vegas, who for decades had been regarded in both media and pop culture as the original “Sin City,” lost the title during the weekend to West Jordan, Utah. The move to strip the title from Las Vegas and award it to West Jordan was made in a unanimous vote by the Intermountain Bureau of Tourism and Travel.

Reactions to Las Vegas’ loss of the iconic title that had originally made it famous were decidedly mixed. Said Bruce Woodbury, a Clark County Commissioner and member of the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority, “We have no one to blame but ourselves. We’ve become sloppy. West Jordan had a phenomenal year in terms of prostitution, drug use and an overall degradation of community morals.” Woodbury would not comment on specific plans to increase the dropping levels of debauchery in Las Vegas.

Not everyone was dismayed by the surprising bestowment of “Sin City” on West Jordan. Several visitors to a West Jordan brothel, who did not wish to be identified, commented that the city’s dedication to proving to the world what a craphole West Jordan had become was undoubtedly successful. “It’s nice to know that the years I spent snorting cocaine off the chest of a whore weren’t in vain,” stated John Doe.

Local politicians were especially pleased with the new title. “I have to admit, I never would have thought that our humble city would receive the title of “Sin City” when compared to Las Vegas,” commented West Jordan mayor David Newton. “The citizens of West Jordan really pulled it off during this competitive tourism season, and proved that anything can be accomplished when working together,” continued the mayor while being sucked off by a woman who wasn’t his wife.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull