The Regal Seagull forgets Mother’s Day

From the editor:

Dear mothers, you have always been there for us. From before we could walk and talk, you have been helping to mold our lives. You picked us up when we stumbled, and you stood proud every time we met our potential. You raised fire fighters, doctors, teachers and, in our case, cynical, wanna-be journalists who work for no pay and hold nothing sacred. Yes dear mothers, we may poke fun at your most cherished beliefs, and we may belittle your elected officials, but you still love us. Even after we purposely tried to scorn your love with that horrible PTA article, and even after we interviewed that doctor who claimed that “mother’s love” was actually due to an estrogen imbalance and did not really exist; you still love us. You truly are amazing.

We think, perhaps, that there is nothing we could do to make you un-love us. This “unconditional” love makes us a better newspaper too. Why, just think, if your love was influenced by the content of our paper, we might only write about puppies and butterflies. But it’s unconditional!! Therefore, we can write the most seething, libelous, slanderous, nasty, derogatory, spiteful, defamatory, racist, bigoted, horribly hurtful and tacky news and you will still love us. What a great concept.

And so, to all the mothers out there who put up with our crap, we at the Regal Seagull want to apologize and say - with all the warmth in our hearts - Happy belated Mother's Day.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

A Man-crochip for all seasons

The time is upon us again. Another Mother’s Day and with that, another day of men forgetting to call mothers or recognizing the hard work their wives put into raising their children. Do you or a loved one suffer from special day forgetfulness? Fear not, because the scientists at the University of Utah have been fast at work perfecting what they call “The Mancrochip.”

Head researcher, Dr. Donald Mothersman, had long struggled with remembering special days like; anniversaries, birthdays and, yes, even Mother’s Day. This and the various moments of sleeping on the couch have led him to develop what he has dubbed, “The cure to all the world’s problems.” How does this “mancroship” cure the world’s issues? Dr. Mothersman explains; “It is quite simple really. When a man forgets something like an anniversary, birthday or any other special day, it causes a chain reaction. The wife, family member or significant other becomes hurt or possibly enraged. This then leads to the guilty party being forced to another part of the house to sleep. Then that influences the sleep patterns and quality of sleep for the man, not to mention the bedroom activities he will be denied for an extended period of time. This in turn, makes the man irritable and unable to think rationally. Thusly, the outcome results in rash decisions, poor judgment and a vindictive need to lash out. You can very much trace all the world’s wars back to some leader or high official forgetting a special day.” This seems logical on the surface but the world’s issues do not just encompass war and when asked about other outstanding issues we the people of the world face, Dr. Mothersman had this to say, “Oh I agree that war alone is not all we have to worry about. I myself, a researcher, get buried in my work and lose track of days and events not pertaining to my tasks. If others like me used this device, then we would have cures to diseases and other technological and biological advancements that would make the world’s problems disappear.”

While this all sounds great in theory, one has to wonder how does this device work and have they tested it? “Well the standard man-cro-chip is a very small cranial implant that you could fit on the tip of your pinky finger. It would be an overnight procedure. The chip is gently inserted into the hippocampus portion of the brain, which governs memories. Each chip is pre-programmed with all the important dates on the traditional calendar and it can be augmented for specific dates according to the recipient. We have even been working on chips for Jews and other religions, in order to recognize different calendars and holidays.” As far as testing goes, Dr. Mothersman and his fellow researchers have implanted the test chips into the skulls of several squirrels and then released them back into the wild. What was the result? He replied. “Well initially, we saw nothing but oddly enough, my wife received a stack of nuts, that were not mine, and a pine cone sculpture for her birthday. Then my peer, Dr. Lipschitz, and his family each received gifts from the wild for eight straight nights during Hanukkah. These kind of activities continued to become more frequent and every time, falling on a day of significance.”

Who exactly knows if this will change the world as we know it? But one thing might be a distinct possibility and that is every wife, mother and girlfriend will more than likely sign their significant others and sons up for this program.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Polygamy done right

by S. S. Smith

With all the fuss lately over the FLDS compound in Texas, it’s easy to see why polygamy has a bad name. Young girls were victimized and brainwashed, which ought not be tolerated. Sadly, the actions of a few men have tainted a wonderful thing. The reality of the matter is that polygamy can be a wonderful way of living, if it’s done the right way.

Between the arrest of sect leader Warren Jeffs and the latest raid in Texas, the FLDS community has had a lot of exposure. Unfortunately, the monogamous world seems to think that all polygamists are like those in the news. Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s just not true.

I have been a practicing polygamist for 17 years and not once have any of my wives worn those poofy-shouldered dresses. My wives are happy, productive members of society and I would challenge anyone to pick them out of a crowd. With that said, polygamy is not easy. It has taken me a long time to find the right balance, but I have, and I'd like to share what I've learned.

First off, your wives can’t know about each other. This is where the FLDS first got into trouble. I learned long ago that if I wanted to be a happy polygamist, I would have to work as a long haul trucker moving from town to town. I have one in every port you might say.

Second, never call a wife by her name, you might get mixed up. Heck, I have one wife whose name I don’t even know for sure. I call them all the same thing: sweety-pie.

Third, vasectomy.

Fourth, don’t be afraid of divorce. Sure you might lose a wife every now and then, but polygamy is about quantity, not quality. You can always find a new one. Finally, lie like your life depended on it, because it does. Keep your wives happy, tell them whatever they need to hear and make up for your short comings with flowers.

I’ll admit, lots of wives takes lots of work, but for a guy like me who believes in the sanctity of marriage but still likes to have oodles of sex with lots of different women, polygamy is the answer. So please, next time you feel like bashing on polygamy, just remember: hate the player, not the game.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

NEWS IN BRIEF: Utah wind-driven precipitation declared a monsoon

Utah has been declared a monsoon climate after record breaking precipitation. "Utah's climate through the winter of 2007/2008", reports Wendy Blows of the National Weather Service, "is extreme, to say the least". With record breaking snow and rainfall, and the shift of the direction of the prevailing winds, Utah weather now qualifies as a Pseudo Monsoon Seasonal climate, PMS.

By exact definition Utah weather is neither tropical nor a monsoon seasonal climate, but both conditions are close enough to be considered partial, or pseudo. The predominant condition, in spite of the low temperatures not associated with tropical climates, is obvious to wind-watchers; fluffy, dumpling-like formations in the sky, carrying large amounts of dihydrogen oxide, carried along by seasonally reversed directional low and high pressure systems. This qualifies Utah as a monsoon sub-continental climate, like India, except not as warm, and not as directional, and not as wet. Results are increased dihydrogen oxide gas production from soil, and bloating. Irritability and television infomercial credit card spending are also typical characteristics of a regional population transitioning through PMS.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Bees might sting, but they don’t bite… or do they?

This past Tuesday saw what was to be a night for baseball. It was night not just for local Salt Lake Bees fans, but fans of both charity events and high school baseball. The Taylorsville Men’s High School Baseball team was set to face the Salt Lake Bees (a local AAA minor league team for the Anaheim Angels) Tuesday night in an effort to raise money for local youth baseball leagues. The game was dubbed, “A Night of Sportsmanship and Togetherness.”

As one might expect, the talent level between a local high school baseball team and a professional Minor League baseball team is vast, so this is why the professionals were told to go easy but keep it fun. Unfortunately, that message must not have reached the team’s new call up, pitcher Jacob “Mad Dawg” Thompson. What transpired was nothing short of gruesome. Mad Dawg was a wolf among sheep, as he used his intimidating 99 mph fastball often as a “brush back” pitch. Thompson has been known for his high numbers of hit batsmen and illegitimate children and tonight he did not disappoint. On the mound, he managed to hit 13 batters, sending five of them to the E.R. and leaving one who could only respond, “I like eggs” when asked any question. But the coup de grace was to come when Thompson came to the plate.

A Taylorsville team, badly depleted, managed to send a young man by the name of Tyler Hayes to the mound. Hayes, not known as a pitcher at all but more as a bench warmer affectionately, was asked to lend what abilities he had, after the “beanfest” had taken place earlier. Mad Dawg, with bat in hand, dug in against Hayes and awaited the pitch. Tyler gave it all he had and hurled the first pitch in to the catcher. Unfortunately, the pitch was off its mark and plunked Thompson on the rump. Something seemed to snap inside Thompson and everyone in the ballpark saw why they called him “Mad Dawg.”

Young Hayes realized immediately what had happened and his eyes widened, as he scrambled off the mound, in his attempt race out towards the centerfield fence and climb it. Hayes’ dreams of a quick departure from the pursuing Thompson were for not, as Mad Dawg caught the young pitcher at second base, employing a tackle that would make an NFL player cringe. The two scuffled on the ground, with Hayes mainly whimpering and clawing to get away, leaving huge gouges in the dirt. The benches cleared and tried to pry Mad Dawg off of the young pitcher. During the efforts, about a dozen players from either side came away with wounds resulting from bites. So many bites in fact, that it made the Mike Tyson incident look like bush league work. Thompson denies any connection between the wounds and his teeth. Dental records have been requested by the parents of the kids involved to prove otherwise.

When a Salt Lake Bees coach was asked they allowed Thompson to continue pitching, or start for that matter, against these kids, he replied, “Well, we figured it would help put hair on their chests.” Likewise, Thompson was asked why he charged the mound against the 16-year-old Hayes, and he responded with a fiery outburst, “It was a purpose pitch! That sonuvabitch was retaliating after I let a couple of pitches get away from me! Mine were accidents! That Tyler guy? He is a Goddamned headhunter and had to be taught a lesson!”

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Local contest captivates soon to be dead animals

Last Tuesday, a gala event was held at the Sullivan Center in celebration of the 28th anniversary of the founding of the Antelope Island Invitational Caged Hunting Championship. Cage shooters from all over the world converged on downtown Salt Lake City, dressed to the nines in their camouflage overalls, gun holsters slung across their shoulders and belly's full of Natty Lights, the official sponsors of the event since 1991.

The Antelope Island Invitational Cage Hunting Championship started as a local contest between residents of Sandy City, Draper, Riverton and West Jordan to see how many soon to be euthanized animals could be killed within a 12-minute period. "It's kind of like the World Championship of Eating," stated Mark Hebert, event co-founder, "except instead of eating hot dogs, we're shooting caged animals."

"It really is amazing to see the event grow like it has. What started off as a monthly hobby where me and a few of my buddies would get together with a flatbed full of abandoned dogs to cats and see who could shoot them the fastest for bragging rights has turned into an internationally recognized sport. We have fella's come up from Iceland and Kenya and New Zealand ... even Canada. This year, we're starting a women's and youth division for the .38 caliber and .22 caliber divisions."

The Championship's target zoo has grown just as much as the contestant pool. " Other than cats and dogs, I think the only other animals that we had to shoot at were some guinea pigs and an old iguana we named Clara Belle. Now we have dogs, cats, parakeets, hamsters, goat, sheep, horses, llamas, emu, turtles, alpaca. One year we even had a hammerhead shark that we kept in a 1,000 gallon tank. The man with the most kills in the .30-.06 division got to take that puppy out. A few years ago, we were contacted by a Chinese adoption agency to help relieve their burden of little girls. Now, these weren't little babies, but 7 years old and over. I had to tell them that we couldn't help them at the time, but hopefully in a few more years we can create a new division."

Attendance truly became international in 1991 when Natural Light Beer became the official sponsor of the event. "We wanted to make sure that when people thought of cheap thrills," stated Douglas Guillary, VP of Marketing, Natural Light Beverages, "they thought about drinking our beer while shooting trapped animals."

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Pet vitamin mix-up messes up pets and confuses owners

Dog and cat vitamins don't mix. Feline Katzenjammer, spoils her 230-pound St. Bernard, Brutus, with all the best that money can buy. Feline, a long time lover of pets, lives in a modest home with a large yard for Brutus to romp and play. Brutus has many toys including a 4 x 4 fence post for a fetching stick, a dried cow's leg for a chewing toy and an elephant's ear that Brutus loves to toss in the air and catch. "These toys are expensive but something a big dog like Brutus needs," said Feline, adding, "and Brutus gets nothing but the best."

Recently a mix up in pet vitamins caused quite a series of problems with her XXX large version of man's best friend. Feline did not read the label, but assumed the company sending the vitamins, a company with which she has had many years of online, problem-free purchasing, sent a different brand with an unfamiliar label. Her mistake was not reading the label because she trusted the company had simply sent an alternative brand. After ordering vitamins and toys for Brutus for many years, a simple fulfillment mistake sent cat vitamins to Feline and, ultimately, Brutus. One might think that a vitamin is a vitamin, but not so with pets. Feline, like most pet owners, would never have suspected specific vitamins affect different animals, until Brutus displayed uncanny un-canine behavior after one day of ingesting the new vitamins.

After a typical day of work, at Caesar's Pizza, Feline returned home to find huge mounds of dirt throughout the yard. Brutus had dug up small trees and plants in the process of depositing very large tirds in the holes he created, and then covered them like a cat. Usually Brutus barks at any noise, including Feline, when she comes home after work, but Brutus hissed at her, and nimbly jumped up on the six foot high wooden-railed fence. When she let him in the house, part of their homecoming and feeding routine, he darted after a mouse under the sofa, sending the sofa up and crashing down on a lamp and end table. When she sat down to ponder Brutus' unusual behavior he leaped into her lap. The slobbering and drowning that accompanies close contacts with big dogs like a St Bernard is not something anyone looks forward to, even when the loving, gentle giant purrs like a kitten. Feline was especially worried when, later that night, Brutus refused to lie at the foot of the bed, preferring instead to curl up around Feline's throat, almost smothering her. After a difficult struggle to remove Brutus from her face (Feline weighs 110 pounds). She tried to get Brutus out of the house and into the back yard, directing him with her hips and hands, when he swallowed the cat and stole his catnip, frolicking, and tumbling through the screen door on his way out. A St Bernard has very long, thick fur, so the rose thorns did not affect Brutus on a catnip induced pussy-high as he rolled and tossed the catnip mouse in the bushes.
The unmistakable clue that something was wrong arose when Brutus fell out of a tree chasing a robin.

See next week's follow up, "When aberrant cat behavior reveals the truth about cats and dogs.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Salt Lake City Council declares “child abuse is wrong”

Since receiving the grade of "F-" by the States Child Abuse Association, Salt Lake City council members decided to help fix this problem by running a new campaign called, “Just Say No to Child Abuse.” City council member Sandy Kearns stated, “Something must be done.” When pressed further on how he proposed to do “Something” he stated, “I don’t know, maybe we can organize classes for children to teach them how to stop the obnoxious behavior that leads to this terrible problem, or maybe send the parents to therapy so they can help us raise this besmirch of 'F-' to maybe a 'D.' It might take some time but I think it can work because this is making us look real bad.” A representative from the children’s rights organization S.P.A.N.K. (who requested to remain anonymous,) was outraged by Kearns remarks and retaliated. “I would like to kick his lilly white ass.” “I believe Mr. Kearns is out of touch with reality and needs to be punished. Perhaps a long time-out with no dessert and no X- Box 360 for one whole week will make him see the light.” Mr. Kearns shot back, “Oh yeah? Well my dad is bigger than your dad and knows Kung Fu and I’m telling." S.P.A.N.K.’s response: “Oh, it’s on little mister.”

In the meantime, the fate of Utah’s abused and neglected children hangs in the balance. Lehi Bishop Joe Belowski. believes he has the solution, "I would like to appeal to the hearts and souls of all of you frustrated parents out there and plead with you to just stop abusing your kids.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Sandy Mayor Tom Dolan announces new State Capitol to be built in Sandy

Mayor Tom Dolan wanted Utah’s professional soccer stadium. Then he wanted Utah’s first Broadway-style theater. Now he wants Utah’s State Capitol?

In a news conference over the weekend, Sandy’s four-term mayor announced that beginning 2012, construction will begin on a new Utah State Capitol in an undetermined location in downtown Sandy. “As all Utah residents are aware, Sandy is quickly becoming Utah’s largest and most politically influential city. We’re building the Real Soccer Stadium. We have Jordan Commons, Utah’s largest and classiest entertainment complex. If all goes to plan, we’ll build a Broadway-style theater long before Ralph and his brother Billy even draw up blueprints. Doesn’t it make sense that Sandy should also have Utah’s State Capitol?”

Dolan briefly laid out plans for the State Capitol, which currently sits on Capitol Hill in Salt Lake City, to be demolished by 2009. The land on which the current Capitol now sits would be sold to commercial realtors, with retailers such as Mervyn’s expressing interest. The new State Capitol in Sandy, which would replace the current 92-year old Capitol, would be twice as large as the existing Capitol, and would feature a minimum of seven domes.

While Sandy residents were ecstatic to learn the news, Salt Lake City Mayor Ralph Becker had a different opinion. “Salt Lake City has been home to the State Capitol for nearly a century, and several million dollars were recently spent on renovations. If Tom thinks he’s taking the Capitol away from us, he can answer to this.” Mayor Becker then proceeded to put up his dukes. Governor Hunstman, when asked for his opinion, simply stated “Hey, it’s cool by me. I’m running with McCain for veep, so I have other issues on my mind at the moment.”

Mayor Dolan would neither confirm nor deny the rumors that the new Capitol would display a 16-foot statue of Mayor Dolan holding a soccer ball.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

UTA FrontRunner part of Republican plot to ship liberals off to desert

A secret Republican plot has been uncovered that would use the new UTA FrontRunner commuter train to ship all Salt Lake area liberals off to the desert near the Golden Spike Monument with no way to get back home. It is expected that once there, they would flounder around for food for a couple of weeks until eventually decaying into a Donner Party-esque state of cannibalism, and finally die of starvation.

“That’s absolutely preposterous,” said Orrin T. Colby Jr., president of UTA and member of the Board of Trustees. “Our sole purpose it to create an alternative form of transportation for those trying to escape … er … travel from Ogden to Salt Lake and back.” While Colby Jr. may or may not have any direct involvement in the newly-exposed plot, those funding his FrontRunner project are definitely up to no good.

Hints of the conspiracy came out in a secretly recorded conversation between Senator Bob Bennett (R-Utah) and self-proclaimed free capitalist Rick Koerber. Bennett is heard saying “Our plans are coming together quite nicely, Rick. Soon the train will be running, and liberals all over the valley, as well as the non-partisan poor, will be boarding it with no idea of where they are really going. In the mean time, the rest of us will be safe in our Hummer H4s.” Koerber responds, “Yessss. Ze liberals vill be on ze train, and zen … ze vorld vill be ours!” Both Bennett and Koerber then break out in a simultaneous “Mu ha ha ha ha.”

Bennett is almost solely responsible for obtaining the majority of the $611 million in federal grant money for the FrontRunner project. Koerber, since his release from a federal penitentiary where he served time for embezzlement, has miraculously come up with the $111 million that Bennett for Senate wasn’t able to obtain. “I got rich from being righteous,” stated Koerber. “Righteousness equals richiness—just look at ze poor, and zen do ze math. I don’t sink I need to spell it out for you.” When asked if he was behind the plot to ship off liberals, Koerber responded, “Plot? Plot sounds like somesing ze Nazis vould cook up. Zose godless heazens murdered my family! AHH! I vill avenge you, Oma!” He then trailed off into a mostly unintelligible tirade against Nazis, Democrats, the Smurfs, KFC and athlete’s foot.

An anonymous source from inside Utah’s state capitol building has leaked several signed documents and incriminating office memos to the staff of The Regal Seagull. These papers confirm the Republican plot to ship off liberals and others who “would stand in the way of the city’s progress towards the ushering in of a New Conservative Order, where man and beast will lay together, just as Hugh Nibley and prophets of old laid with their offspring.”

One document, signed by Bennett, appears to be instructions on how to convince liberals and other “potential NCO obstacles” to board the northbound train: “… [the NCO Initiative (as they refer to themselves)] will place ads around the city as well as on KJZZ and the world wide web (which is inherently evil, but can still be used for good) informing citizens and illegals that on the appointed day at the appointed time, all FrontRunner cars will be filled with several free dollar bills. As the general public congregates to buy tickets to board the train, conservatives will be shown the “secret sign,” informing them that this is the long-awaited trap, and they will turn around without boarding. Once the train is filled to capacity, it will drive to its northernmost stop in Ogden. Passengers will then be informed that they are in Ogden, and a general panic will ensue. Waiting at the bus stop will be a fleet of UTA buses with large signs reading To leave Ogden, board here now.”

Bennett expects the train to empty and the buses to fill within 1-2 minutes, at which point the buses will caravan north to the desert near the Golden Spike monument, which hasn’t been visited by white people since the historic spike pounding of 1869. It is there that the passengers will be dropped off and left to die.

Besides liberals and the poor, others listedt o be shipped out include Unitarians, Libertarians, librarians, red heads, lunch ladies, telemark skiers, the word “panties,” Kilby Court, the Scottish and birth control.

Despite the evidence, Bennett, Koerber and other less sinister-but implicated-nonetheless figures all adamantly deny involvement in, or the existence of, any such plot.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Gayle Ruzicka apologizes for racy photo spread in Vanity Fair

Her fans are demanding she resign. Even her followers insist she be arrested. Either way, nearly all agree that Gayle Ruzicka, president of the Utah Eagle Forum, should fly the coop.

Known throughout Utah for her organized attacks against anti-family causes, Ruzicka had built up a reputation over the past decade as a defender of the moral majority in Utah. As president of the conservative interest group Utah Eagle Forum, Ruzicka had led the charge against a wide host of liberal issues and causes, including the homosexual agenda in particular. Her long and storied career however is quickly unraveling as Ruzicka comes under fire herself – due to her recent pictures in Vanity Fair.

A recent spread in Vanity Fair shows Ruzicka posing topless, with her bare back exposed but her front covered with a bedsheet. The photo shoot, which appeared in the April 28th issues of Vanity Fair, was taken by well-known celebrity photographer Annie Leibovitz. While the pictures were originally meant to portray a more artistic and playful side of Ruzicka, the pictures have caused widespread controversy and a firestorm of a backlash from her fan.

“It’s outrageous!” yelled homemaker Sharlene Johnson. “Stay-at-home moms and homemakers across Utah look to Gayle as a role model! And how does she thank us for supporting her conservative ideals … by taking these [edited] filthy pictures? It’s a disgrace. She certainly didn’t think about the children.”

Karolyn Hansen, owner of a Provo-based scrapbooking supply store, echoed similar sentiments. “I used to rely on Gayle to be my moral compass. She said ‘we need to stick it to the gays,’ and I listened. I didn’t even judge her when her son died of a drug overdose and she tried to cover it up in the media. But posing naked in Vanity Fair? That just crosses the line.”

In response to the backlash against the tasteless pictures, Ruzicka made the following statement: “I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed. I never intended for any of this to happen and I apologize to my fans who I care so deeply about. Oh, and I hate gay people.”

It was unclear as of press time whether Ruzicka would be stepping down as president.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Upcoming Stories in The Regal Seagull

• Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses: Who would win in a fight?
• Jordan Beetdiggers beat out Murray Trojans yet again for worst mascot
• UTA announces “Homeless Thursday,” vagrants and transients to ride free
• Michael Moore buys vacation home in Orem
• SUPERDELL declines early entry to heaven, tells God “I still have a lot to do down here”
• New DNA tests reveal Jesus is not son of God, but nephew
• Jordan Commons in final running to host 2016 Summer Olympics
• Woman in Heber wears too much makeup to church, looks like a whore
• Salt Lake City vegan gets lost on safari in Africa, is eaten by cannibals
• Oh God, not again: High School Musical 3

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Horoscopes, with The Regal Seagull

by The Cosmic Yenta

Taurus, April 20th - May 20th
In Spain, bullfighting is a sacred sport, not unlike spelunking in those white countries. Stop being led around by the ring in your nose and start being led around by the one in your @#^%. This could mean a new beginning for you, or end.

Gemini, May 21st - June 21st
Walking around like a zombie all week will be tempting. Avoid that weird couple next door who claim to be from Haiti. Go to the nicest Tongan bar in Kearns and drink a zombie instead. It will give you the nerve to fight off those attractive yet scary neighbors. I order you.

Cancer, June 22nd - July 22nd
Do not go home. Stay at a dear friend’s house or apartment or Hogan or lean-to or cardboard box or van or RV. Trust me on this one. It’s just a hunch but now that I’m following my inner self, I’m usually sometimes always right.

Leo, July 23rd - August 22nd
In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the Lion sleeps tonight. No sleep for the wicked this week. Hunt….. hunt like you’ve never hunted before. Piper Down is great after midnight, like, shooting fish in a barrel. You will find the drunkest girls and boys of every persuasion in town. You can’t lose. I never do.

Virgo, August 23rd - September 22nd
Pack up everything you own and move to Florida. An old flame awaits your arrival with open arms, a double wide, and a case of Puerto Rican Rum. Resistance is futile. If I’m wrong, well, no, you can’t move back in with me.

Libra, September 23rd - October 22nd
Your weight has been a problem for you lately huh? You’ve been obsessing and the scale is winning. Shut that goddamn pie hole stupid. You maggot, you worm. Sew it shut if you must. I may sound harsh but I’ll get the whip out later. What time?

Scorpio, October 23rd - November 21st
Surfing the internet for your true love will not serve you well this week. Remember that 700 pound psycho shut-in who tried to trap and eat you? Try hooking up with friends of friends. That always works out. If not you can always call me. Seriously, call me.

Sagittarius, November 22nd - December 21st
Listen only to Hip-Hop. There are subliminal messages you need this week. Maybe, a drive-by will be the answer to the dilemma you are facing. If not, then bitches and ho’s son. Bitches and ho’s.

Capricorn, December 22nd - January 19th
If there ain’t no mountain high enough and there ain’t no valley low enough then where the hell are you going?

Aquarius, January 20th - February 19th
The roller coaster ride that will be this week will not end until you jump off, break both legs and a collar bone, and smash that crazy scull of yours on the pavement. Oh, yeah, that’s what it takes. Luckily there will be morphine. Plenty of morphine.

Pisces, February 20th - March 20th
No, it’s not ok to put a rotten fish in the walls of your enemies.

Aries, March 21st - April 19th
Slamming your head against the wall will only give you a head injury. Try putting a pillow or a sofa cushion between you and the object of your disapproval. Have you gone to that counselor I demanded that you see? I told you he was really hot and you might get lucky. What are you waiting for? Gas prices to go down?

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Traffic, with The Regal Seagull

Monday:
No traffic between hours of 6:00 and 8:00 pm, due to Family Home Evening

Tuesday:
Tractor-trailer will pull over to stop and smell the roses, causing a 17-car pile up

Wednesday:
Sean Hannity says something liberal, 79% of cars on I-15 will swerve off the road

Thursday:
Heavy construction along I-15 near downtown Salt Lake, will not annoy anyone in the slightest

Friday:
I-15 will be backed up from Sandy to David Archuleta-ville

Saturday:
Geo metro will think outside the box, go against the grain, drive into oncoming traffic

Sunday:
A Chinese-American woman will die in a head-on collision in the afternoon, although her poor driving skills have absolutely nothing at all to do with her race or gender whatsoever.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Weather, with The Regal Seagull

Monday:
Very Sunny
High: 89, Low: 63

Tuesday:
Very Snowy
High: 26, Low: 4

Wednesday:
Very Sunny
High: 92, Low: 69

Thursday:
Very Snowy
High: 22, Low: -3

Friday:
Very Sunny
High: 88, Low: 60

Saturday:
Very Snowy
High: 29, Low: 18

Sunday:
Very Sunny
High: 96, Low: 71

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Ask Sensitive Ned: The cursed non-Greeks

Sensitive Ned,

My mother-in-law put a curse on my husband and me -- I believe she couldn't get through to me and so she attacked him. She cursed that he would never make any money in his life, that he would lose his business, lose his wife (me) and the kids and be completely destroyed. And to seal the curse, she spat in his face twice.

I'm a very superstitious person and I truly believe that she sealed this curse on him. The reason is that they are Greek and I am not. They want control over us, and I refuse to have anyone control me anymore. I've been with him for over 12 years, eight of which we've been married; we have three little kids together. I've done everything I could to make them happy and to basically accept me, and no matter what, they just don't. They would be fine in front of me and then talk behind my back to others.

We had a huge blowout last year because I went to do my hair -- and they were like, “Why should you highlight your hair? What, are you trying to be — a model?” Well, it started like that and became really huge, and now this curse.

Any help on how to remove this would be great.

Cursed by Mother-in-Law


Dear Cursed by Mother-in-Law,

I understand that you are concerned, and I know how scary it can be to have a curse spat upon you or a loved one. Let me start by saying, you have come to the right place! In college I did a semester abroad in Louisiana where I studied Voodoo, Black Magic, Hechicerias and Island Mysticism. Though we spent only one chapter of one text book on Mediterranean Magic, and admittedly, I didn’t pay too much attention (I was totally consumed by another class project where we were learning to entrance people into performing our will after they had read anything we had written. If you ever have the desire to e-mail me half nude pictures of Neil Diamond after reading my column, then those classes have definitely paid off), but I do know that Mediterranean Magic shares a lot of basic principles of other magic.

Here’s my advice to you:

1) You need to wash that spell out of your family’s life. There are two effective ways of doing this without having to hire a freelance wizard or full-time gypsy. You can perform the following simple ritual: Completely cover yourself and your husband with a light coating of ground basil. If you need to plug your nose with little wads of toilet paper to keep from sneezing, that’s fine. It won’t affect the decursement. You also don’t need to take your clothes off as in other rituals. Staying clothed is fine. Now, sit back to back with your husband in a dark room. Surround yourselves with four lit candles, one in each cardinal direction. Stick your arms straight out from your sides and extend your fingers so that the backs of your hands are touching the backs of your husband’s hands. Each of you bow your heads and recite the following chant three times without interruption:

Traguna Macoides Tracurum Satis Di

Now, this is the hardest part. Upon completion of the third repetition, each of you fling your head backwards, smacking your skulls together. You need to knock each other unconscious. It’s difficult, because if you don’t hit hard enough, you won’t get knocked out, you’ll just be in a lot of pain. If you hit too hard, you could cause some pretty serious damage to each other, possibly even killing one or both of you. So please take precaution. As you lay unconscious the magic will, well, work its magic. When you come to, the scourge should be fully removed, although I do recommend making a quick trip to the hospital to check for concussions. You may then move on with your lives in a normal non-cursed fashion. From that point on, should any hint of the Greek curse seem to stick its hexed head out of hell’s hole, you and your husband can just give each other a slight smack on the back of the head and that little voodoo doll will go running away with its tail between its legs faster than you can say hocus pocus.

On a side note: like your mother-in-law, I’d also like to ask if you are trying to be a model. If so, do you have any photos? I collect photos of models. It helps me relax. Please feel free to send any body shots to SensitiveNed@regalseagull.com.

Mystically yours,

Sensitive Ned

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Family bonding on a budget

Maybe you thought it was a good idea to have a lot of children. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. There are many good folks here in our mountain-top paradise who have made it a goal to single handedly “multiply and replenish the earth.” The result: Utah families are, well, large. And large families, as you know, take a lot of money.

Sure, it would be lovely to own that giant ski boat with a Ford F650 Superbeast to pull it; and of course nothing brings a family closer than a pair of 1800cc Yamaha Wave Runners skipping on the manifestly destined waters of Lake Powell Reservoir, but if you have a grundle of kids, chances are you do your family bonding on a budget.
Not to worry, you don’t need big gassy toys to bring your family closer. We’ve come up with some great ideas for folks on a Western Family budget. These incredibly inexpensive outing ideas are guaranteed to bring you closer to your many many children.

A great place to start your family budget bonding experience is just a click away at LDS Skinny-Dipper Connection (unless you’re too poor even for internet, in which case you’ll just have to settle for a family picnic in the park). I learned about the LDS Skinny-Dipper Connection by eaves-dropping on KSL’s very own Doug Miller at the last Boat and RV show. According to Doug, “…catching a large-mouthed bass is great, but nothing in the world is as exhilarating as a nudie dip in Strawberry Reservoir with your best buds.” Doug couldn’t be more right.

The LDS Skinny-Dipper Connection is a values-oriented group dedicated to helping your family overcome the guilt that Sunday school teachers have worked so hard to instill about the human body. The web site has a Q and A section that tackles those tough to answer questions like "Can I be a Mormon and a Nudist?," and "How can I make anonymous contact?" If you like what you see on the site (sorry, no nude pictures), then the next step is to submit a survey to see if you’re worthy to fraternize with other unencumbered members. People deemed worthy will be put on the secret contact list and invited to a family night in the buff.

If this is your cup of tea (herbal, of course), then grab your family, some sunscreen and some towels for the hot vinyl seats in the suburban. Skinny-dipping, like a Second South hooker, is cheap, easy and can be done almost anywhere. So get back to the days of those famous nudists, Adam and Eve, and give your kids an experience they’ll never forget.

* * * * *

If you’re a family of gymnophobes, then maybe you’d prefer a more “dressed” activity. My next suggestion is a tour of Utah’s wonders. No, not those dusty old National Parks; I’m talking about the breathtaking sculptures that wacky artists have left all over the state.

The first stop is the Gilgal Sculpture Garden. These madcap creations of Thomas Battersby Child Jr. are sandwiched between the Chuck-a-Rama and the Twinkie factory at 749 East 500 South in Salt Lake City. Although I did no research into Thomas Child’s life, I’m sure—judging by his sculptures—that he was probably considered a visionary in his time; a mad mad visionary that frightened people. You’ll have a great time as your children ask you questions like “Why does that lion have a face like Joseph Smith?” and “Why can’t we go to Lagoon instead?”

Once you’ve seen that weird Gilgal stuff, it’s time to venture out of the valley to see some more weird art. Take a dreary drive into the desert west on I-80 to see the Tree of Utah. Swedish artist Karl Momen finished this big creepy tree in 1986. Since that time, millions of travelers have whizzed by the tree at 65 mph saying to themselves, “What the hell?” Your family will share that same wonderment — then five minutes later, you’ll get back into the car and drive all the way back home.

Among the iconic Utah works of art is Robert Smithson’s Spiral Jetty. Yet another god-awful drive to get to, the spiral jetty is the perfect place to see how oil rigs are set up. That’s right, Pearl Exploration and Production is slated to start tearing up the land all around this big pubic hair-shaped sculpture. But not to worry, you can always stop by the Golden Spike museum on the way home and count the trip as a success.

The last stop on this family art tour is Mystic Hot Springs. Oh, wait, this one contains nudity. Never mind.

* * * * *

Finally, if all else has failed and you're still looking for that perfect bonding experience, why not take your children’s advice and go to Lagoon. Or better yet, leave the kids with Grandma and Grandpa and take the fun bus to Wendover. That’s right. For $18 the fun bus will take you to a magical place where you can enjoy a buffet, catch Kenny Rogers live and sit in a noisy smoke-filled room dropping quarter after quarter into a bright blinking machine for hours on end. And if you find yourself missing your children, there’s also alcohol.

These are just a few examples of great ways to spend time with your family. It’s important to remember: you don't need the speed boat. All that really matters is that you spend time with your family. It's too bad you had so many kids that you have to work all the time to keep them fed and are too tired when you get home to do anything.

Utah crop circles exposed as a hoax

State science and religious leaders were clashing heads last week over the emergence “patterns of significance” found in rural Utah. What seemed spontaneous at first were sightings of strange geometrical depressions within the soil of the area. “Amazing, simply amazing. We are witnessing an extraordinary phenomenon. If you take measurements of the depressions, you will see that they are perfectly symmetrical and evenly spaced. It just does not seem likely that these indentions were made by man or woman. I truly believe we are looking at a legitimate 'crop circle' design.” said Dr. McFeely, a professor of astrophysics at the University of Utah. Dr. McFeely seems to be an authority of such things, having wrote award winning books on extra-terrestrials and their visits to earth titled; “There is a probe in there” (dealing with alien abductions), “Trying to phone home” (forms of alien contact through the ages) and “Does this look infected to you?” (a book studying what Dr. McFeely believes are results close encounters of the personal kind with aliens).
“I can honestly say that this is the communication we have been looking for. This could be a schematic of a cure for cancer, or new efficient fuel or even a way to live longer. All we have to do is mathematically break the code,” Dr. McFeely concluded hopefully.

A pilgrimage ensued to the site location and with that, brought hopes and theories from other sects of thinkers. The religious communities had their representatives on hand to look over the anomaly and give their opinion on its emergence. Both Monsignor Paddy O’Riely of the local Catholic movement and Bishop John Smith of the Mormon sect were on hand and had this to say; “As representatives of our respective religions, both Monsignor O’Riely and myself realize that this has the makings of a joke with a priest, a Mormon and scientist walking into an excavation site, but I assure you one thing. God is not laughing.” Monsignor O’Riely added, “Despite our different dogmas, we can agree that both of us feel strongly that this is a sign from above.” When asked why the Scientologist representative was denied access to the site, Bishop Smith abruptly interrupted with the answer, “Well anyone who follows a religion that bases their beliefs solely off of the ranting of a crazy man, that cannot produce any proof to what he professes to be the correct doctrine, is not qualified to rule on any religious findings.”

Unfortunately, the alleged “crop design” was exposed as a hoax when further investigation showed that it was not a message from the stars or heaven but a cry for help. Both camps admitted disappointment, but Dr. McFeely regained a new hope in an after thought stating, “I honestly do feel that this might be a message from either an abandoned E.T. or perhaps a former abduction subject wanting to go back. I guess we will never know who wrote it. But it does make for another interesting book possibility.”

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Science creates new garments for the 21st century

For the first time since 1979, the Garment of the Holy Priesthood worn by members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has been updated to better reflect the ever changing society in which the church's members are often confined. The new Garment v. 3.0 was unveiled during the most recent General Conference to the humble applause of all in attendance. It is designed as a three-piece ensemble consisting of the traditional trousers, a sleeveless shirt and new spandex arm stockings.

"Many people may remember when Science blessed us with the two piece garment in 1979," said Elder Brian Warner, local general authority. "We believed, at the time, that was the most stunning technological achievement by Science of all time. I never would have believed that I would live to see the impossible come to life. These new garments allow for more depth of motion while playing golf and tennis, while still allowing the faithful to have remembrance of all of God’s commandments."

When asked to comment on this startling new garment, Science replied " Truth be told, I've wanted to make a number of improvements to the garment since at least as early 1981, but constantly met resistance from the higher-ups in the church. A few months ago, I thought to myself, 'Hey! If [the LDS Church] was so ecstatic when I cut their original one-piece garment in half to create a two-piece, I bet I could slip a whole slew of improvements into the design if I just throw some extraneous BS arm sleeves into the mix and called it a three piece.' And, it worked. They are so excited about the freaking arm sleeves.... let me repeat, ARM SLEEVES, that they didn't even notice the billions of dollars of research and development included in each piece."

According to Science, these new features include:

1) A spray on micro-Kevlar fiber that protects the Faithful from any type of puncture or bullet up to a .44 caliber at a distance less than seven feet.
2) Specially bio-engineered amoeba lining the inside of the Garment that eat the bacteria found in human sweat and recycles the water content into a form of air conditioning that keeps the human body at a constant 96 degrees.
3) Always-On GPS Monitoring (TM) which constantly monitors the vital signs of the Faithful and, in cases of vital distress, uses a global positioning satellite to alert the nearest emergency care giver of the situation.
4) An iPod dock that uses the mechanical energy constantly produced by the human body to recharge the device.
5) Active Camouflage

When reporters from The Regal Seagull asked Elder Warner his thoughts on these stunning advances in technology, he stated, "The new design of the shirt and the arm sleeves allow me to play lacrosse as easily as if I were not wearing any underwear at all. Thank you, Science!"

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

NEWS IN BRIEF: “America’s Next Top Fetus” invades Utah

The creators of Americas Next Top Fetus are coming to Utah for the first ever Fetus Auditions. A spokesperson for Fetal Foto’s of Salt Lake City is very excited about the opportunities for Utah Fetuses. We contacted Sic Fuk Productions, the creators of ANTF to find out exactly what they are looking for in a Model Fetus. They responded, “We are looking for grace, poise, proper fetal positioning, amniotic quality, and confidence. The only problem is getting them to pose, so we created a special probe that attaches to the Mother. It sends gentle electrical currents so the Fetus will be encouraged to pose attractively” They added, “We all know that Models today just don’t look young enough so why not begin to exploit that gorgeous child of yours before it’s even born.”

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Paris Hilton discusses Utah's hot waste problem

The Regal Seagull recently caught up with socialite Paris Hilton, to ascertain her opinion on Italy's request to dump nuclear waste in Tooele County. The following is a transcript of that interview.

The Regal Seagull: "Paris, thank you for answering your text messages. How are you?"

Paris Hilton: "Who is this?"

The Regal Seagull: "This is The Regal Seagull calling from Utah, I spoke to your agent's secretary's assistant last week."

Paris Hilton: "Oh yeah. Cool. What were we talking about?"

The Regal Seagull: "I wanted to ask you what you thought about Italy's request to dump 20,000 tons of hot waste in the surrounding areas of Salt Lake City?"

Paris Hilton: "Where's that?"

The Regal Seagull: "Utah. It's where the Sundance Film Festival was held this year. You were here. Remember?"

Paris Hilton: "Uh, no."

The Regal Seagull: "Park City ring a bell?"

Paris Hilton: "Oh yeah, I got hair extensions there."

The Regal Seagull: "Most Utah residents are upset and I was wondering how you weigh in on the issue."

Paris Hilton: "I don't have an issue, the girl did a really tight job on my hair."

The Regal Seagull: "I'm referring to the hot waste issue."

Paris Hilton: "Hot waste? I thought that was a slamming nail color. I'm wearing it right now - I think urban decay makes it. I love Italian fashion. Does Donatella know about this?"

The Regal Seagull: "Hot waste is actually nuclear waste."

Paris Hilton: "Is it really hot?"

The Regal Seagull: "Yes, it's grade A."

Paris Hilton: "I'm all for it. Can I buy it in L. A.?"

The Regal Seagull: "Thank you for your time Paris."

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Salt Lake City to import 3,000 gay actors in anticipation of Broadway-style theater

It may prove to be one of Salt Lake City’s most creative and promiscuous imports to date.

Salt Lake City Mayor Ralph Becker announced in a press conference Monday that beginning November 4, 2008, Salt Lake City will begin importing gay actors from Broadway. The imported homosexuals will provide a foundation for a Broadway-style theater, which Becker intends on bringing to Salt Lake City along with his brother Bill Becker.

While the plans for bringing the gay actors from New York City to Salt Lake City are currently being held up by the planning commission, Becker was able to confirm that the queer thespians would “be brought over on buses,” “a lot of alcohol would be involved” and “showtune sing-alongs will be mandatory.” The gay actors will be chosen for their theatrics, their charisma and their cattiness, and eligible candidates will audition before a committee that decides who will be sent to Salt Lake City.

“As our plans for opening a Broadway-style theater progressed, we realized that we lacked the workforce to support it. We contacted various community theaters and school theater departments across the state, but were only able to come up with a dozen gay actors, 11 of which came from BYU’s Young Ambassadors. We ultimately decided that our only option left was to import the gay actors,” Becker said.

When asked why he had chosen November 4th as the first day to begin importing the gay actors, Becker responded “Have you ever attended a gay party around Halloween time? Every gay friend I’ve ever had has told me that they need at least three days to recover from the post-Halloween hangover and anonymous sex.” To thank the imported queers for their dedication to Salt Lake City, Becker said the Broadway-style theater’s first production would be a Judy Garland revue.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Gingers: The forgotten minority

Race. Religion. Ethnicity. These are all common reasons that people discriminate or are exclusionary. But these categories leave out a fairly common feature among humans that is belittled just has harshly by society: red-heads, also known as gingers.

In this piece we explore what a ginger is, how to understand these pale strangers who roam the planet in loneliness and how to best learn to include, if not even love, the gingers you encounter in life.

What is a ginger, you ask? You know them and discriminate against them even if you don't realize it. They are in your family, your workplace. They live next door and some may even clean your house for less than minimum wage.

You can recognize a ginger by their hair - some variation of the color red, their freckled pale skin that brings to mind cave-dwelling monsters who never see the light of day. They can be seen skulking from shadow to shadow, avoiding the rays of the sun that threaten to burn their sickly epidermis. When you hug a ginger, you may notice something different, slightly off-putting - but we'll get to that later.

Gingers are a segment of society that cannot be avoided. There are levels of gingericity. The most sever kind of ginger is the Irish-descended red-head. Known for their conniving ways and volcanic tempers, these gingers should be treated delicately. The Scot ginger comes next on the scale, slightly more grounded, yet completely unpredictable in communication. They are likely to string together an astounding series of curses and expletives that would make Don Rickles blush. Other variations are generally more mellow (for a ginger) and trustworthy, but always beware when dealing with any red-headed freak, as they can turn on you with the drop of a hat.

A common misconception of ginger folk is that they are inherently evil. This is simply not true. Yes, they may have tendencies that border or the violent psychotic side of the emotional spectrum, but gingers can often be taught to behave admirably among their fellow humans when threats and fear are used properly.

However, scientific tests have confirmed the widespread belief that gingers have no souls. This is a fact that all gingers must reconcile themselves with at some point if they are to properly acclimate to societal norms. This does not mean gingers are incapable of love, in fact they are some of the most passionate people around. It has been said that a night with a ginger will cure impotence and sterility.

Remember these new revelations regarding our fearful freckled friends next time you claim you are tempted to scream, "Go back to the motherland!" out of a moving vehicle at a group of gingers huddled in a littered ally. They may be scary, strange and soulless, but they too are humans.

Next time in "Gingers: The Forgotten Minority": Dating A Ginger:

Gingers generally work best in relationships with non-gingers. There are theories arguing that gingers can earn their souls when they learn to truly love "normies," but these are thus far unsubstantiated.

Race. Religion. Ethnicity. These are all common reasons that people discriminate or are exclusionary. But these categories leave out a fairly common feature among humans that is belittled just has harshly by society: red-heads, also known as gingers.

In this piece we explore what a ginger is, how to understand these pale strangers who roam the planet in loneliness and how to best learn to include, if not even love, the gingers you encounter in life.

What is a ginger, you ask? You know them and discriminate against them even if you don't realize it. They are in your family, your workplace. They live next door and some may even clean your house for less than minimum wage.

You can recognize a ginger by their hair - some variation of the color red, their freckled pale skin that brings to mind cave-dwelling monsters who never see the light of day. They can be seen skulking from shadow to shadow, avoiding the rays of the sun that threaten to burn their sickly epidermis. When you hug a ginger, you may notice something different, slightly off-putting - but we'll get to that later.

Gingers are a segment of society that cannot be avoided. There are levels of gingericity. The most sever kind of ginger is the Irish-descended red-head. Known for their conniving ways and volcanic tempers, these gingers should be treated delicately. The Scot ginger comes next on the scale, slightly more grounded, yet completely unpredictable in communication. They are likely to string together an astounding series of curses and expletives that would make Don Rickles blush. Other variations are generally more mellow (for a ginger) and trustworthy, but always beware when dealing with any red-headed freak, as they can turn on you with the drop of a hat.

A common misconception of ginger folk is that they are inherently evil. This is simply not true. Yes, they may have tendencies that border or the violent psychotic side of the emotional spectrum, but gingers can often be taught to behave admirably among their fellow humans when threats and fear are used properly.

However, scientific tests have confirmed the widespread belief that gingers have no souls. This is a fact that all gingers must reconcile themselves with at some point if they are to properly acclimate to societal norms. This does not mean gingers are incapable of love, in fact they are some of the most passionate people around. It has been said that a night with a ginger will cure impotence and sterility.

Remember these new revelations regarding our fearful freckled friends next time you claim you are tempted to scream, "Go back to the motherland!" out of a moving vehicle at a group of gingers huddled in a littered ally. They may be scary, strange and soulless, but they too are humans.

Next time in "Gingers: The Forgotten Minority": Dating A Ginger:

Gingers generally work best in relationships with non-gingers. There are theories arguing that gingers can earn their souls when they learn to truly love "normies," but these are thus far unsubstantiated.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Orrin Hatches pens song to inspire Utah Jazz

Utah's U.S. Senator Orrin Hatch has written an inspirational song for the Utah Jazz as they pursue the NBA Title that has been elusive to the franchise since its founding. Sen. Hatch, renowned not only for staunch conservative agendas and his "creepy uncle" appearance, is also a songwriter who had a number in the movie "Rat Race." His CDs can be found every Christmas season in garbage cans of friends, just beneath the discarded fruitcakes from Aunt Mamie.

The song, "We Believe (That Nice Guys Finish First)," is a duet that is reportedly being recorded by Gladys Knight and Metallica frontman James Hatfield. Both are friends from Hatch's time spent on Capitol Hill fighting for the rights of rich recording artists to get richer.

The Regal Seagull has obtained lyrics to the song, a sample of which are:

We believe that nice guys finish first
No matter the color of their skin
The goodness of the soul slam dunks over the cursed
God won't let thugs like the Denver Nuggets win

Hatch has proposed that the song be played before playoff games and during halftime of games and even suggested that lyric sheets be handed out to fans to encourage singing along. Team owner Larry Miller could not be reached for comment on the proposal, as he was viewing the new Ben Stein film "Expelled" at one of his Megaplex movie theaters.

"I'm willing to give the rights of this song to the public domain, that's how much I believe in the Utah Jazz and the universal hope found in my inspiring lyrics," Hatch said, according to a news release.

Hatfield could not be reached for comment, but according to his publicist, he "has had many disagreements with some of the Utah Senator's political stands over the years, but he was willing to overlook that because the Senator fought so valiantly to protect artists like Metallica from the dirty, thieving hands of scumbag file-sharers."

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Cletus Jenkins gives “the bird” to Utah

Since baseball season is upon us, Utah has decided to honor one of its own legends of the game by inducting him into the State of Utah’s Sports Hall of Fame. The person in question is none other than Cletus “The Bird” Jenkins. If you have not heard of him, then you are missing out one of baseball’s most controversial pitchers.

Mr. Jenkins was born in 1920, one year after the famed “Black Sox Scandal,” in the town of Vernal, Utah. Cletus had a natural ability to play baseball, part of which was due to the fact that his middle finger was longer than what it should have been on average. As he grew up, scouts began to take notice of him and his extraordinary abilities as a pitcher, and he was drafted by the Cincinnati Red Legs. During his minor league stint with the Chickasaw Mudpuppies, Jenkins amassed an amazing record of 17 wins, 2 losses, an ERA of 1.17 and the nickname “The Bird” before being called up to the majors. Unfortunately, his major league career only lasted half a season.

I decided to make way out to where he is living now, close to his hometown, and pay him a visit. After making my way through the open fields, past several barbed wire fences and finally over a mountain ridgeline, I arrived at the out of the way home of Cletus “The Bird “ Jenkins. As soon as I was able to convince him that I was not a government agent, a body snatcher or a missionary, he was nice enough to put away his shotgun and call off his dogs. Once I climbed down from the tree, I was face to face with the Utah legend and I had questions.

The Regal Seagull: “How does it feel to be recognized by your home state as a Hall of Famer?”

Cletus Jenkins: “Oh I reckon it feels alright. You hunt?”

The Regal Seagull: “Ummm no, no I don’t. But I think it’s a wonderful thing. Tell me, how did you come by the nickname “The Bird”?

Cletus Jenkins: “You know? I never did quite figure that one out. You want some squirrel jerky?”

The Regal Seagull: “No thank you.”

Cletus Jenkins: “You sure?”

The Regal Seagull: “Yes I am sure, thank you.”

Cletus Jenkins: “Suit yerself.”

The Regal Seagull: “How many different types of pitches did you throw as a pitcher?”

Cletus Jenkins: “Oh I threw four pitches pretty good. I had a fastball, of course, a curveball, a knuckleball and screwball. Say, you ain’t one of them people who put that radio transistor in my teeth are ya?”

The Regal Seagull: “No sir, I’m not. They say that your career only lasted half a season. Why is that?”

Cletus Jenkins: “Well they say it was fer my own safety. I don’t know why but fer some reason every team I pitched against got real sore with me and batters would always charge the mound and I would get into fights with them. I ain’t never hit a batter when I was pitching, so I don’t know why they got so mad. I got told that I set a record for inciting the most bench clearing brawls, though I never said an ill word to them. Well, not until after they were yelling and wanting to fight me. If you ask me, I think it was them commies or the CIA out to ruin the game and me.”

The Regal Seagull: “You don’t think it was because of how you grip the ball or what they might have thought you were doing to them?”

Cletus Jenkins: “What are you implying?”

The Regal Seagull: “Ummmm nothing Mr. Bird, I mean Mr. Jenkins.”

Cletus Jenkins: “I told you, it was them commies or the CIA.”

The Regal Seagull: “Well the CIA was not”- click- “Uhhh you have a point sir. Absolutely.”

The Regal Seagull: “Before I leave, would you mind showing me the grips you used on those pitches of yours?”

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Energy solutions to give Jazz radioactive boost

Energy Solutions, Inc., a Utah nuclear waste disposal company, announced plans today to collect all remaining nuclear waste from the infamous Chernobyl disaster of the mid-'80s and import it to Salt Lake City, where they will bury it under the former Delta Center. “After years of watching the Utah Jazz struggle as a ‘pretty good team,’ we’d love to give them the energy boost they need to go all the way,” stated Energy Solution’s P.R. Director Mark Walker, “and we believe nuclear power has proved itself of being more than capable to fulfill that task.”

Some 200 tonnes of radioactive material remains encased in a cement structure that was built at the Chernobyl plant immediately following the devastatingly fatal meltdown of 1986. Energy Solutions plans to send teams of highly-trained specialists in technical radiation suits to the Ukrainian site to begin collection and transport of the still-volatile material. In order to move such a massive amount of radioactive material, Energy Solutions has rented eastern Europe’s entire fleet of FedEx trucks.

The glowing green goo will be driven from its current location in Ukraine, west through 14 European countries—including several former republics of other countries, as well as France, Spain and Ireland—and will then set sail for the United States. Upon arrival at Ellis Island, it will be loaded into the Brooks & Dunn mobile entourage of semi-trailers, which outnumbers the eastern European FedEx fleet two to one. It will then follow the country pop star duo on a six-week tour of the U.S., making special stops at Ground Zero, Disney World, Sea World, the Alamo and the Bush Ranch in Texas, so the president and his family can get a “first-hand look at real nukyaler power.” The train of radiation-bearing semis will roll into Utah’s capital city about a month before NBA action resumes in the fall.

Energy Solutions has revealed that it actually began plans to import the radioactive waste back in November 2007, at which time it commenced digging a massive storage facility underneath the Energy Solutions Arena, claiming to be building an underground ultimate fighting cage. “That’s how we were able to do it without provoking local protest,” explained Walker, P.R. Ranger. “The only things Utahns love more than UFC are KFC and the 12 apostles.”

At this point, the plan is to fill the underground facility with as much radioactive material as possible, and then seal it off to prevent leakage. The storage unit has tiny ventilation tubes which run directly under the home team bench in the basketball arena, the idea being to expose members of the Utah Jazz to the radiation while withholding it from the visiting team. “We’ll expose them with just enough Jazz-Em™, as we call it, to increase their adrenaline and endurance levels, but not enough to cause any real long-term significant damage,” Walker said.

The Regal Seagull was able to catch up with former Jazz forward Karl Malone while he was visiting Utah on a bear hunt expedition in which he didn’t carry a gun, rather he intended to kill a bear with his own hands. When asked if he thought a healthy dose of underground radiation would energize the Jazz, he replied, “Man, I don’t care, I left that team years ago. I mean it’s like, Utah who? You know what I’m sayin’?”

At a public hearing where several community members expressed concern at the possibility of harmful side-effects from having the waste so close to their homes and to the city’s water system, Steve Creamer, chairman and CEO of Energy Solutions, responded, “We have built a leak-proof containment unit. I would like to emphasize that there is absolutely no risk to the public.” Creamer’s promise immediately pacified all community concerns, and most present spent the rest of the public hearing shaking hands with Energy Solutions executives and sharing stories of “the good ol’ days of nuclear power.”

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

The ‘Buzz’ about Utah housing

Few people outside of Utah’s boundaries have any idea why we here behind the Zion curtain chose “The Beehive State” as our motto. The good folks at the Salt Lake City Zoning Commission have no idea either and they want to make sure that their ignorance doesn’t stand in the way of a good thing.
The normally sluggish and uncooperative zoning commission has cut through a lot of red tape this year in order to reestablish Utah as the reigning home of the beehive. They’ve teamed up with California’s Cal-Earth with big plans to completely redesign Salt Lake’s suburbs.

The idea for the residential redesign is credited to zoning planner Nelson Pratt. Pratt recently got around to reviewing a building request that was submitted to him six years ago by a family that eventually got tired of waiting for approval and moved to Idaho. Undeterred by the upset family, Pratt quickly recognized something very familiar in the plans. Quoting Pratt: “I just kept looking at these plans and thinking ‘Man, this is so familiar’ and then BOOM, it hit me. I grabbed the miniature Utah State flag sitting on my desk, and there it was, right smack dab in the middle. These Cal-Earth house plans look exactly like the beehive on the flag! What a trip!”

The striking resemblance between the beehive on the Utah State flag and these remarkably apiary-like homes has set the Utah Homebuilders Association a-buzz. As early as 2010, home buyers will have the option to live in “hive-divisions” such as Bella Vista Hives, or Honeycomb Heights. “These are homes meant for Utah” said Governor John Huntsman Jr. “We will embrace our past as we build for our future.”

The Governor isn’t the only official excited about the new domes. The Utah State Legislature just finished sprucing up their own dome atop the capitol building in order to send the message that “…Utah is a dome friendly state and we support anything that looks like a beehive. Anything.

The designers of these new-fangled dwellings are boastful of their many advantages. Not only do they cost a fraction of the cost of a normal home, they also cut down on heating/cooling bills and for those environmentally conscious home owners, no trees are needed to build a hive. And with that ever-lurking giant earthquake waiting to strike the Wasatch fault, the Cal-Earth homes have been rated safe up to a minimum of 6.1 on the Richter scale.

So how do these Super Adobe "hives" work? Long narrow sacks are filled with earth and coiled around in large circles, one right on top of the last getting ever smaller as you build up and up until, finally, you have a super adobe abode. It’s really not that interesting how the domes are constructed, what’s important is that they look like beehives when they’re done.

There are some concerns, however, about the zoning commission’s push for this new design. Traditional homebuilders such as framers and carpenters are facing the grim reality that they will soon be replaced with hippy earth-packers working without shirts or shoes and listening to reggae music as they build these earth-friendly abodes

There are also concerns from some of the more conservative residents of the state that these dome homes aren’t square enough. As local resident sweet old Mrs. Petingrew said, “People get in trouble when they think outside the box. These homes don’t look anything like boxes. Why just look as the kids these days…no respect. No sir, I don’t like a home that isn't square.”

Whatever your stance is, one thing is for sure: it looks like Utah will be bolstering its title of Beehive State, and what better way to house the drones that make our great state what it is than with hives.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull