The Regal Seagull forgets Mother’s Day

From the editor:

Dear mothers, you have always been there for us. From before we could walk and talk, you have been helping to mold our lives. You picked us up when we stumbled, and you stood proud every time we met our potential. You raised fire fighters, doctors, teachers and, in our case, cynical, wanna-be journalists who work for no pay and hold nothing sacred. Yes dear mothers, we may poke fun at your most cherished beliefs, and we may belittle your elected officials, but you still love us. Even after we purposely tried to scorn your love with that horrible PTA article, and even after we interviewed that doctor who claimed that “mother’s love” was actually due to an estrogen imbalance and did not really exist; you still love us. You truly are amazing.

We think, perhaps, that there is nothing we could do to make you un-love us. This “unconditional” love makes us a better newspaper too. Why, just think, if your love was influenced by the content of our paper, we might only write about puppies and butterflies. But it’s unconditional!! Therefore, we can write the most seething, libelous, slanderous, nasty, derogatory, spiteful, defamatory, racist, bigoted, horribly hurtful and tacky news and you will still love us. What a great concept.

And so, to all the mothers out there who put up with our crap, we at the Regal Seagull want to apologize and say - with all the warmth in our hearts - Happy belated Mother's Day.

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A Man-crochip for all seasons

The time is upon us again. Another Mother’s Day and with that, another day of men forgetting to call mothers or recognizing the hard work their wives put into raising their children. Do you or a loved one suffer from special day forgetfulness? Fear not, because the scientists at the University of Utah have been fast at work perfecting what they call “The Mancrochip.”

Head researcher, Dr. Donald Mothersman, had long struggled with remembering special days like; anniversaries, birthdays and, yes, even Mother’s Day. This and the various moments of sleeping on the couch have led him to develop what he has dubbed, “The cure to all the world’s problems.” How does this “mancroship” cure the world’s issues? Dr. Mothersman explains; “It is quite simple really. When a man forgets something like an anniversary, birthday or any other special day, it causes a chain reaction. The wife, family member or significant other becomes hurt or possibly enraged. This then leads to the guilty party being forced to another part of the house to sleep. Then that influences the sleep patterns and quality of sleep for the man, not to mention the bedroom activities he will be denied for an extended period of time. This in turn, makes the man irritable and unable to think rationally. Thusly, the outcome results in rash decisions, poor judgment and a vindictive need to lash out. You can very much trace all the world’s wars back to some leader or high official forgetting a special day.” This seems logical on the surface but the world’s issues do not just encompass war and when asked about other outstanding issues we the people of the world face, Dr. Mothersman had this to say, “Oh I agree that war alone is not all we have to worry about. I myself, a researcher, get buried in my work and lose track of days and events not pertaining to my tasks. If others like me used this device, then we would have cures to diseases and other technological and biological advancements that would make the world’s problems disappear.”

While this all sounds great in theory, one has to wonder how does this device work and have they tested it? “Well the standard man-cro-chip is a very small cranial implant that you could fit on the tip of your pinky finger. It would be an overnight procedure. The chip is gently inserted into the hippocampus portion of the brain, which governs memories. Each chip is pre-programmed with all the important dates on the traditional calendar and it can be augmented for specific dates according to the recipient. We have even been working on chips for Jews and other religions, in order to recognize different calendars and holidays.” As far as testing goes, Dr. Mothersman and his fellow researchers have implanted the test chips into the skulls of several squirrels and then released them back into the wild. What was the result? He replied. “Well initially, we saw nothing but oddly enough, my wife received a stack of nuts, that were not mine, and a pine cone sculpture for her birthday. Then my peer, Dr. Lipschitz, and his family each received gifts from the wild for eight straight nights during Hanukkah. These kind of activities continued to become more frequent and every time, falling on a day of significance.”

Who exactly knows if this will change the world as we know it? But one thing might be a distinct possibility and that is every wife, mother and girlfriend will more than likely sign their significant others and sons up for this program.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Polygamy done right

by S. S. Smith

With all the fuss lately over the FLDS compound in Texas, it’s easy to see why polygamy has a bad name. Young girls were victimized and brainwashed, which ought not be tolerated. Sadly, the actions of a few men have tainted a wonderful thing. The reality of the matter is that polygamy can be a wonderful way of living, if it’s done the right way.

Between the arrest of sect leader Warren Jeffs and the latest raid in Texas, the FLDS community has had a lot of exposure. Unfortunately, the monogamous world seems to think that all polygamists are like those in the news. Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s just not true.

I have been a practicing polygamist for 17 years and not once have any of my wives worn those poofy-shouldered dresses. My wives are happy, productive members of society and I would challenge anyone to pick them out of a crowd. With that said, polygamy is not easy. It has taken me a long time to find the right balance, but I have, and I'd like to share what I've learned.

First off, your wives can’t know about each other. This is where the FLDS first got into trouble. I learned long ago that if I wanted to be a happy polygamist, I would have to work as a long haul trucker moving from town to town. I have one in every port you might say.

Second, never call a wife by her name, you might get mixed up. Heck, I have one wife whose name I don’t even know for sure. I call them all the same thing: sweety-pie.

Third, vasectomy.

Fourth, don’t be afraid of divorce. Sure you might lose a wife every now and then, but polygamy is about quantity, not quality. You can always find a new one. Finally, lie like your life depended on it, because it does. Keep your wives happy, tell them whatever they need to hear and make up for your short comings with flowers.

I’ll admit, lots of wives takes lots of work, but for a guy like me who believes in the sanctity of marriage but still likes to have oodles of sex with lots of different women, polygamy is the answer. So please, next time you feel like bashing on polygamy, just remember: hate the player, not the game.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

NEWS IN BRIEF: Utah wind-driven precipitation declared a monsoon

Utah has been declared a monsoon climate after record breaking precipitation. "Utah's climate through the winter of 2007/2008", reports Wendy Blows of the National Weather Service, "is extreme, to say the least". With record breaking snow and rainfall, and the shift of the direction of the prevailing winds, Utah weather now qualifies as a Pseudo Monsoon Seasonal climate, PMS.

By exact definition Utah weather is neither tropical nor a monsoon seasonal climate, but both conditions are close enough to be considered partial, or pseudo. The predominant condition, in spite of the low temperatures not associated with tropical climates, is obvious to wind-watchers; fluffy, dumpling-like formations in the sky, carrying large amounts of dihydrogen oxide, carried along by seasonally reversed directional low and high pressure systems. This qualifies Utah as a monsoon sub-continental climate, like India, except not as warm, and not as directional, and not as wet. Results are increased dihydrogen oxide gas production from soil, and bloating. Irritability and television infomercial credit card spending are also typical characteristics of a regional population transitioning through PMS.

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Bees might sting, but they don’t bite… or do they?

This past Tuesday saw what was to be a night for baseball. It was night not just for local Salt Lake Bees fans, but fans of both charity events and high school baseball. The Taylorsville Men’s High School Baseball team was set to face the Salt Lake Bees (a local AAA minor league team for the Anaheim Angels) Tuesday night in an effort to raise money for local youth baseball leagues. The game was dubbed, “A Night of Sportsmanship and Togetherness.”

As one might expect, the talent level between a local high school baseball team and a professional Minor League baseball team is vast, so this is why the professionals were told to go easy but keep it fun. Unfortunately, that message must not have reached the team’s new call up, pitcher Jacob “Mad Dawg” Thompson. What transpired was nothing short of gruesome. Mad Dawg was a wolf among sheep, as he used his intimidating 99 mph fastball often as a “brush back” pitch. Thompson has been known for his high numbers of hit batsmen and illegitimate children and tonight he did not disappoint. On the mound, he managed to hit 13 batters, sending five of them to the E.R. and leaving one who could only respond, “I like eggs” when asked any question. But the coup de grace was to come when Thompson came to the plate.

A Taylorsville team, badly depleted, managed to send a young man by the name of Tyler Hayes to the mound. Hayes, not known as a pitcher at all but more as a bench warmer affectionately, was asked to lend what abilities he had, after the “beanfest” had taken place earlier. Mad Dawg, with bat in hand, dug in against Hayes and awaited the pitch. Tyler gave it all he had and hurled the first pitch in to the catcher. Unfortunately, the pitch was off its mark and plunked Thompson on the rump. Something seemed to snap inside Thompson and everyone in the ballpark saw why they called him “Mad Dawg.”

Young Hayes realized immediately what had happened and his eyes widened, as he scrambled off the mound, in his attempt race out towards the centerfield fence and climb it. Hayes’ dreams of a quick departure from the pursuing Thompson were for not, as Mad Dawg caught the young pitcher at second base, employing a tackle that would make an NFL player cringe. The two scuffled on the ground, with Hayes mainly whimpering and clawing to get away, leaving huge gouges in the dirt. The benches cleared and tried to pry Mad Dawg off of the young pitcher. During the efforts, about a dozen players from either side came away with wounds resulting from bites. So many bites in fact, that it made the Mike Tyson incident look like bush league work. Thompson denies any connection between the wounds and his teeth. Dental records have been requested by the parents of the kids involved to prove otherwise.

When a Salt Lake Bees coach was asked they allowed Thompson to continue pitching, or start for that matter, against these kids, he replied, “Well, we figured it would help put hair on their chests.” Likewise, Thompson was asked why he charged the mound against the 16-year-old Hayes, and he responded with a fiery outburst, “It was a purpose pitch! That sonuvabitch was retaliating after I let a couple of pitches get away from me! Mine were accidents! That Tyler guy? He is a Goddamned headhunter and had to be taught a lesson!”

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Local contest captivates soon to be dead animals

Last Tuesday, a gala event was held at the Sullivan Center in celebration of the 28th anniversary of the founding of the Antelope Island Invitational Caged Hunting Championship. Cage shooters from all over the world converged on downtown Salt Lake City, dressed to the nines in their camouflage overalls, gun holsters slung across their shoulders and belly's full of Natty Lights, the official sponsors of the event since 1991.

The Antelope Island Invitational Cage Hunting Championship started as a local contest between residents of Sandy City, Draper, Riverton and West Jordan to see how many soon to be euthanized animals could be killed within a 12-minute period. "It's kind of like the World Championship of Eating," stated Mark Hebert, event co-founder, "except instead of eating hot dogs, we're shooting caged animals."

"It really is amazing to see the event grow like it has. What started off as a monthly hobby where me and a few of my buddies would get together with a flatbed full of abandoned dogs to cats and see who could shoot them the fastest for bragging rights has turned into an internationally recognized sport. We have fella's come up from Iceland and Kenya and New Zealand ... even Canada. This year, we're starting a women's and youth division for the .38 caliber and .22 caliber divisions."

The Championship's target zoo has grown just as much as the contestant pool. " Other than cats and dogs, I think the only other animals that we had to shoot at were some guinea pigs and an old iguana we named Clara Belle. Now we have dogs, cats, parakeets, hamsters, goat, sheep, horses, llamas, emu, turtles, alpaca. One year we even had a hammerhead shark that we kept in a 1,000 gallon tank. The man with the most kills in the .30-.06 division got to take that puppy out. A few years ago, we were contacted by a Chinese adoption agency to help relieve their burden of little girls. Now, these weren't little babies, but 7 years old and over. I had to tell them that we couldn't help them at the time, but hopefully in a few more years we can create a new division."

Attendance truly became international in 1991 when Natural Light Beer became the official sponsor of the event. "We wanted to make sure that when people thought of cheap thrills," stated Douglas Guillary, VP of Marketing, Natural Light Beverages, "they thought about drinking our beer while shooting trapped animals."

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Pet vitamin mix-up messes up pets and confuses owners

Dog and cat vitamins don't mix. Feline Katzenjammer, spoils her 230-pound St. Bernard, Brutus, with all the best that money can buy. Feline, a long time lover of pets, lives in a modest home with a large yard for Brutus to romp and play. Brutus has many toys including a 4 x 4 fence post for a fetching stick, a dried cow's leg for a chewing toy and an elephant's ear that Brutus loves to toss in the air and catch. "These toys are expensive but something a big dog like Brutus needs," said Feline, adding, "and Brutus gets nothing but the best."

Recently a mix up in pet vitamins caused quite a series of problems with her XXX large version of man's best friend. Feline did not read the label, but assumed the company sending the vitamins, a company with which she has had many years of online, problem-free purchasing, sent a different brand with an unfamiliar label. Her mistake was not reading the label because she trusted the company had simply sent an alternative brand. After ordering vitamins and toys for Brutus for many years, a simple fulfillment mistake sent cat vitamins to Feline and, ultimately, Brutus. One might think that a vitamin is a vitamin, but not so with pets. Feline, like most pet owners, would never have suspected specific vitamins affect different animals, until Brutus displayed uncanny un-canine behavior after one day of ingesting the new vitamins.

After a typical day of work, at Caesar's Pizza, Feline returned home to find huge mounds of dirt throughout the yard. Brutus had dug up small trees and plants in the process of depositing very large tirds in the holes he created, and then covered them like a cat. Usually Brutus barks at any noise, including Feline, when she comes home after work, but Brutus hissed at her, and nimbly jumped up on the six foot high wooden-railed fence. When she let him in the house, part of their homecoming and feeding routine, he darted after a mouse under the sofa, sending the sofa up and crashing down on a lamp and end table. When she sat down to ponder Brutus' unusual behavior he leaped into her lap. The slobbering and drowning that accompanies close contacts with big dogs like a St Bernard is not something anyone looks forward to, even when the loving, gentle giant purrs like a kitten. Feline was especially worried when, later that night, Brutus refused to lie at the foot of the bed, preferring instead to curl up around Feline's throat, almost smothering her. After a difficult struggle to remove Brutus from her face (Feline weighs 110 pounds). She tried to get Brutus out of the house and into the back yard, directing him with her hips and hands, when he swallowed the cat and stole his catnip, frolicking, and tumbling through the screen door on his way out. A St Bernard has very long, thick fur, so the rose thorns did not affect Brutus on a catnip induced pussy-high as he rolled and tossed the catnip mouse in the bushes.
The unmistakable clue that something was wrong arose when Brutus fell out of a tree chasing a robin.

See next week's follow up, "When aberrant cat behavior reveals the truth about cats and dogs.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Salt Lake City Council declares “child abuse is wrong”

Since receiving the grade of "F-" by the States Child Abuse Association, Salt Lake City council members decided to help fix this problem by running a new campaign called, “Just Say No to Child Abuse.” City council member Sandy Kearns stated, “Something must be done.” When pressed further on how he proposed to do “Something” he stated, “I don’t know, maybe we can organize classes for children to teach them how to stop the obnoxious behavior that leads to this terrible problem, or maybe send the parents to therapy so they can help us raise this besmirch of 'F-' to maybe a 'D.' It might take some time but I think it can work because this is making us look real bad.” A representative from the children’s rights organization S.P.A.N.K. (who requested to remain anonymous,) was outraged by Kearns remarks and retaliated. “I would like to kick his lilly white ass.” “I believe Mr. Kearns is out of touch with reality and needs to be punished. Perhaps a long time-out with no dessert and no X- Box 360 for one whole week will make him see the light.” Mr. Kearns shot back, “Oh yeah? Well my dad is bigger than your dad and knows Kung Fu and I’m telling." S.P.A.N.K.’s response: “Oh, it’s on little mister.”

In the meantime, the fate of Utah’s abused and neglected children hangs in the balance. Lehi Bishop Joe Belowski. believes he has the solution, "I would like to appeal to the hearts and souls of all of you frustrated parents out there and plead with you to just stop abusing your kids.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

Sandy Mayor Tom Dolan announces new State Capitol to be built in Sandy

Mayor Tom Dolan wanted Utah’s professional soccer stadium. Then he wanted Utah’s first Broadway-style theater. Now he wants Utah’s State Capitol?

In a news conference over the weekend, Sandy’s four-term mayor announced that beginning 2012, construction will begin on a new Utah State Capitol in an undetermined location in downtown Sandy. “As all Utah residents are aware, Sandy is quickly becoming Utah’s largest and most politically influential city. We’re building the Real Soccer Stadium. We have Jordan Commons, Utah’s largest and classiest entertainment complex. If all goes to plan, we’ll build a Broadway-style theater long before Ralph and his brother Billy even draw up blueprints. Doesn’t it make sense that Sandy should also have Utah’s State Capitol?”

Dolan briefly laid out plans for the State Capitol, which currently sits on Capitol Hill in Salt Lake City, to be demolished by 2009. The land on which the current Capitol now sits would be sold to commercial realtors, with retailers such as Mervyn’s expressing interest. The new State Capitol in Sandy, which would replace the current 92-year old Capitol, would be twice as large as the existing Capitol, and would feature a minimum of seven domes.

While Sandy residents were ecstatic to learn the news, Salt Lake City Mayor Ralph Becker had a different opinion. “Salt Lake City has been home to the State Capitol for nearly a century, and several million dollars were recently spent on renovations. If Tom thinks he’s taking the Capitol away from us, he can answer to this.” Mayor Becker then proceeded to put up his dukes. Governor Hunstman, when asked for his opinion, simply stated “Hey, it’s cool by me. I’m running with McCain for veep, so I have other issues on my mind at the moment.”

Mayor Dolan would neither confirm nor deny the rumors that the new Capitol would display a 16-foot statue of Mayor Dolan holding a soccer ball.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull

UTA FrontRunner part of Republican plot to ship liberals off to desert

A secret Republican plot has been uncovered that would use the new UTA FrontRunner commuter train to ship all Salt Lake area liberals off to the desert near the Golden Spike Monument with no way to get back home. It is expected that once there, they would flounder around for food for a couple of weeks until eventually decaying into a Donner Party-esque state of cannibalism, and finally die of starvation.

“That’s absolutely preposterous,” said Orrin T. Colby Jr., president of UTA and member of the Board of Trustees. “Our sole purpose it to create an alternative form of transportation for those trying to escape … er … travel from Ogden to Salt Lake and back.” While Colby Jr. may or may not have any direct involvement in the newly-exposed plot, those funding his FrontRunner project are definitely up to no good.

Hints of the conspiracy came out in a secretly recorded conversation between Senator Bob Bennett (R-Utah) and self-proclaimed free capitalist Rick Koerber. Bennett is heard saying “Our plans are coming together quite nicely, Rick. Soon the train will be running, and liberals all over the valley, as well as the non-partisan poor, will be boarding it with no idea of where they are really going. In the mean time, the rest of us will be safe in our Hummer H4s.” Koerber responds, “Yessss. Ze liberals vill be on ze train, and zen … ze vorld vill be ours!” Both Bennett and Koerber then break out in a simultaneous “Mu ha ha ha ha.”

Bennett is almost solely responsible for obtaining the majority of the $611 million in federal grant money for the FrontRunner project. Koerber, since his release from a federal penitentiary where he served time for embezzlement, has miraculously come up with the $111 million that Bennett for Senate wasn’t able to obtain. “I got rich from being righteous,” stated Koerber. “Righteousness equals richiness—just look at ze poor, and zen do ze math. I don’t sink I need to spell it out for you.” When asked if he was behind the plot to ship off liberals, Koerber responded, “Plot? Plot sounds like somesing ze Nazis vould cook up. Zose godless heazens murdered my family! AHH! I vill avenge you, Oma!” He then trailed off into a mostly unintelligible tirade against Nazis, Democrats, the Smurfs, KFC and athlete’s foot.

An anonymous source from inside Utah’s state capitol building has leaked several signed documents and incriminating office memos to the staff of The Regal Seagull. These papers confirm the Republican plot to ship off liberals and others who “would stand in the way of the city’s progress towards the ushering in of a New Conservative Order, where man and beast will lay together, just as Hugh Nibley and prophets of old laid with their offspring.”

One document, signed by Bennett, appears to be instructions on how to convince liberals and other “potential NCO obstacles” to board the northbound train: “… [the NCO Initiative (as they refer to themselves)] will place ads around the city as well as on KJZZ and the world wide web (which is inherently evil, but can still be used for good) informing citizens and illegals that on the appointed day at the appointed time, all FrontRunner cars will be filled with several free dollar bills. As the general public congregates to buy tickets to board the train, conservatives will be shown the “secret sign,” informing them that this is the long-awaited trap, and they will turn around without boarding. Once the train is filled to capacity, it will drive to its northernmost stop in Ogden. Passengers will then be informed that they are in Ogden, and a general panic will ensue. Waiting at the bus stop will be a fleet of UTA buses with large signs reading To leave Ogden, board here now.”

Bennett expects the train to empty and the buses to fill within 1-2 minutes, at which point the buses will caravan north to the desert near the Golden Spike monument, which hasn’t been visited by white people since the historic spike pounding of 1869. It is there that the passengers will be dropped off and left to die.

Besides liberals and the poor, others listedt o be shipped out include Unitarians, Libertarians, librarians, red heads, lunch ladies, telemark skiers, the word “panties,” Kilby Court, the Scottish and birth control.

Despite the evidence, Bennett, Koerber and other less sinister-but implicated-nonetheless figures all adamantly deny involvement in, or the existence of, any such plot.

More Utah news at The Regal Seagull