A Man-crochip for all seasons

The time is upon us again. Another Mother’s Day and with that, another day of men forgetting to call mothers or recognizing the hard work their wives put into raising their children. Do you or a loved one suffer from special day forgetfulness? Fear not, because the scientists at the University of Utah have been fast at work perfecting what they call “The Mancrochip.”

Head researcher, Dr. Donald Mothersman, had long struggled with remembering special days like; anniversaries, birthdays and, yes, even Mother’s Day. This and the various moments of sleeping on the couch have led him to develop what he has dubbed, “The cure to all the world’s problems.” How does this “mancroship” cure the world’s issues? Dr. Mothersman explains; “It is quite simple really. When a man forgets something like an anniversary, birthday or any other special day, it causes a chain reaction. The wife, family member or significant other becomes hurt or possibly enraged. This then leads to the guilty party being forced to another part of the house to sleep. Then that influences the sleep patterns and quality of sleep for the man, not to mention the bedroom activities he will be denied for an extended period of time. This in turn, makes the man irritable and unable to think rationally. Thusly, the outcome results in rash decisions, poor judgment and a vindictive need to lash out. You can very much trace all the world’s wars back to some leader or high official forgetting a special day.” This seems logical on the surface but the world’s issues do not just encompass war and when asked about other outstanding issues we the people of the world face, Dr. Mothersman had this to say, “Oh I agree that war alone is not all we have to worry about. I myself, a researcher, get buried in my work and lose track of days and events not pertaining to my tasks. If others like me used this device, then we would have cures to diseases and other technological and biological advancements that would make the world’s problems disappear.”

While this all sounds great in theory, one has to wonder how does this device work and have they tested it? “Well the standard man-cro-chip is a very small cranial implant that you could fit on the tip of your pinky finger. It would be an overnight procedure. The chip is gently inserted into the hippocampus portion of the brain, which governs memories. Each chip is pre-programmed with all the important dates on the traditional calendar and it can be augmented for specific dates according to the recipient. We have even been working on chips for Jews and other religions, in order to recognize different calendars and holidays.” As far as testing goes, Dr. Mothersman and his fellow researchers have implanted the test chips into the skulls of several squirrels and then released them back into the wild. What was the result? He replied. “Well initially, we saw nothing but oddly enough, my wife received a stack of nuts, that were not mine, and a pine cone sculpture for her birthday. Then my peer, Dr. Lipschitz, and his family each received gifts from the wild for eight straight nights during Hanukkah. These kind of activities continued to become more frequent and every time, falling on a day of significance.”

Who exactly knows if this will change the world as we know it? But one thing might be a distinct possibility and that is every wife, mother and girlfriend will more than likely sign their significant others and sons up for this program.

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